


Ocean Eyes [R.Lupin]

by synonime



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 35,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27902464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/synonime/pseuds/synonime
Summary: "I've never fallen from quite this high, falling into your ocean eyes..."Marauders era fic starting in seventh year, canon compliant apart from a few OC'sQuite a bit of angst (obviously, it's a marauders fic) but also some fluff.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Boarding The Train

**Author's Note:**

> I've used some poetry in this fic but am absolutely NOT talented enough to write it myself so: 
> 
> Chapter 1 - Christopher Poindexter 
> 
> Chapter 8 - Courtney Peppernell 
> 
> Chapter 19 - K.L.B.

The girl stood alone, as she always did; one hand on her trunk, the other raised to shield her eyes from the light which bounced off the scarlet engine in front of her. Turning her head, she looked around the crowded platform. She saw younger students with their families; in fact, most of the children and teenagers on the platform were accompanied by their family or, failing this, friends.

But the girl barely had a family, certainly not one who would accompany her to the train station and see her off for her final year at Hogwarts. And friends, well, she had even less of those.

Tallulah Selwyn had never been very good at making friends. She supposed this may have been because it was difficult to find the motivation to connect with people when you already knew how they were feeling. It's even harder to make friends when you can tell at any given time exactly what someone is thinking about you.

Tallulah didn't know when exactly she had realised she was a Legilimens, although she guessed it must have been sometime around when she had started displaying other types of magic. All she knew was that it had begun as more of a feeling than anything else. She could tell when someone was feeling sad, because she would become tearful. She could tell when someone was excited, because she got butterflies in her stomach. She could tell when someone was angry, because she too would be filled with the overwhelming urge to punch something. But as she had learned more about magic at Hogwarts, and learned to wield her own magic more successfully, the skill had become more and more fine-tuned until she was able to hear peoples' inner thoughts as clearly as if they were speaking them out loud.

She remembered one defence against the dark arts lesson in third year, when their professor had taught them about Legilimency and Occlumency. Being an avid reader with no kind of social life - not that she liked to perpetuate the Ravenclaw stereotype, Tallulah spent a large portion of her time in the library and was therefore well aware of what her "gift" was long before she learned it in class. So nothing they learned in that lesson was news to her, except for one comment made by a red headed classmate.

"Excuse me, professor," Lily Evans had asked, raising her hand. "Is it possible to learn Legilimency? Or is it something you have to be born with, like being a metamorphmagus?"'

The Professor had explained to her that it was indeed possible for talented witches and wizards to master the skill. But very rarely, witches or wizards were born with a predisposition to learning the thoughts of others. The Professor went on to tell the class that these Legilimens’ were infinitely more skilled than people who had learned to do it out of a book. 

"Damn." Lily had whispered to Dorcas Meadowes. "I wish I could learn how to do that, it would be amazing to be able to read minds. Like an actual superhero!"

This was a revelation to Tallulah, who had never thought of her Legilimency as a gift, but a curse. Mind you, she guessed it wouldn't be such a problem for Lily, who was liked by everyone. Unfortunately, Tallulah couldn't say the same for herself. It was because of her "gift" that she knew that people were less than fond of her. She knew that many people were of the opinion that she had been sorted into the wrong house, her icy personality being much better suited for Slytherin than Ravenclaw. If only they knew how true this statement was. It was an opinion shared by Tallulah herself, and her entire family. As the only person in her family not to have been sorted into Slytherin for generations, the only semi-positive letter she had received after the sorting ceremony had been from her uncle Kayad.

_At least it wasn't Hufflepuff._

The clock chimed eleven times, signalling to everyone on the platform that it was time to board the train. A few metres away, a tall boy stood scribbling in a battered, leather notebook. He was so lost in his own thoughts that it took several taps on the arm from the long haired boy standing next to him for him to look away from what he was writing.

"Lonely." Sirius said, reading the word at the top of the page before Remus snapped the book shut, shooting his friend a dark look. "Wonder who that could be about." Sirius turned his head towards Tallulah, who stood a short distance away from them.

"Shut up." Remus mumbled, burying the small book deep in his jacket pocket.

"Why don't you just go and talk to her, Moony?" Sirius asked as they made their way through the crowd. "What's the worst that can happen?"

"You've met her, right?" Remus shot back almost immediately. "She makes McGonagall seem warm and cuddly."

"So she's a bit distant, where's the fun if it's not a challenge?"

"What's a challenge?" Another boy had appeared beside them.

"Prongs, where have you been?" Sirius asked, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting.

"Had to sort out first years." James replied, pushing his glasses further up his nose. They had a habit of slipping down and making him look like a middle aged woman, as Sirius so politely put it. "Got responsibilities now that I'm head boy." He pointed proudly to the badge pinned to his chest.

"We're talking about Selwyn." Sirius said, jerking his head in Remus's direction.

"Boy or girl?" James asked, slipping into the compartment closest to the door of the train.

"Girl." Remus muttered, sitting down in the seat closest to the window.

"Ahhh, do you think this is the year you will finally exchange more than three sentences with each other, Moony?" James asked.

"Nope." Remus replied, popping the p.

"He says he's happy to keep admiring from afar." Nobody had seen or heard Peter enter the compartment, but there he was; chocolate frog in hand.

"Oh that's nice, like a stalker." Sirius said, laying down across the seats and taking up the entire left side of the cabin.

Remus sighed and fished his notebook out of his pocket. Flicking through it, even he couldn't deny how much of the scribbled contents was about Tallulah. The book was old, ugly to look at and had only stayed together this long because of the many magical repairs it had received over the years. But Remus couldn't bear to part with the thing. He'd had it since his very first day at Hogwarts; it was a record of his time there. It had originally been three hundred pages long, if Remus remembered correctly (and he usually did.) But pages had been added, edited and, in some cases, ripped out when he had decided that even he couldn't stand to look at the embarrassing things he had written. Now there could easily have been thousands of pages, so many that the book wouldn't shut without the large elastic band which Remus wrapped around it.

In it he had written about the very first time he had seen Tallulah Selwyn. A small, scrawny girl with skin which was almost as pale as her hair. Which, at the time, had been white blond and parted severely down the middle. If Remus had ever met her before, he would have realised that Tallulah's skin usually had a rosy glow, and her pallid complexion was not natural but due instead to nerves. Not nerves, fear. Fear that she wouldn't be sorted into the right house, fears that had turned out to be well founded.

He had written about her quite a bit that year, because he had noticed that she didn't have many friends. And that was just Remus being polite. Truthfully, as Sirius put it, the ice queen didn't have any friends. Even her own brother, who was a third year Slytherin, seemed reluctant to be seen talking to her in the corridors. Remus didn't know what it was, but something about Tallulah intrigued him. Any psychologist (or obnoxious bespectacled friend) would have been able to tell him that Tallulah appealed to Remus because she, like him, was an outsider.

Her appearances in his book had increased during second and third year, when she had been seated next to him in potions and arithmancy. Sirius in particular liked to remind Remus of the vomit-inducing poem he had written about her hair, which had darkened considerably since first year and was now a golden blonde. If he had been interested in her before, that was nothing compared to how he felt once they had actually spoken. She didn't talk much, but every quiet comment made his stomach do flips.

But Remus had taken a spectacularly long time to realise that he was in love with Tallulah. In fact, it had to be pointed out to him. 

"Moony, all I'm saying is that you hexed that fifth year for making one crude comment about her." Sirius had said, he was lounging on his favourite plush armchair in the Gryffindor common room and playing with his hair. "It sure seems like you love her." 

"Don't be immature." Remus had snapped back. "Just because I don't like crass things being said about women doesn't mean I'm in love with her, I barely know her." 

"So you're saying that if the comment had been made about Alice Williams or Dorcas Meadowes, that you would have reacted in the same way?" James had asked.

"Dorcas is different." Remus mumbled sheepishly. 

As much as he wanted to believe he was more mature than his friends, and capable of being friends with Dorcas, it was hard to maintain a friendship when every time Remus looked at her he was forcefully reminded of their night together last year. A few too many glasses of firewhiskey had led them there and something which had seemed inevitable to everyone else had ended up being clumsy, awkward and uncomfortable. It wasn't that he didn't fancy her, of course he did, she was beautiful. But he felt that they were too close, after being friends for six years it felt weird to try and be anything else.

"Oh what, because you lost your v card to her?" Remus gritted his teeth defensively at the mocking tone in Sirius's voice. "Just admit it, you love Selwyn."

One of the most interesting passages in Remus' book had been written during their fifth year at Hogwarts. The Marauders had been taking one of their routine midnight trips down to the school kitchens when they had heard noises coming from one of the third-floor corridors. Their curiosity mounted, as they were usually the only ones who dared to be out of bed at such an hour. As they crept towards the noise, they realised it was two people whispering. The closer they got, the more apparent it was that the two people were having an argument. They had rounded the corner just in time to see a flash of white light erupt from someone's wand. Thankfully, the loud * _BANG*_ made by the spell was enough to cover up Peter's squeal of terror. Once the light had dimmed, the marauders saw Tallulah on the ground, looking stunned and sporting a bloody nose. Her brother stood over her, flared nostrils and heavy breathing suggesting that he was very angry about something.

"Tallulah." He hissed. "How can you expect me to accept you as a part of this family when you do nothing but disrespect it." His words were coated with venom, but the girl seemed unaffected by his cruel words.

"Always nice chatting with you Tarquin." She mumbled, picking herself off the ground and wincing. "But I'm still not coming home for Christmas."

Tarquin had looked very much as if he were about to raise his wand again, but he stopped suddenly. His eyes widened as he stared at his sister.

"How are you doing that?" He asked, pointing his gaze determinedly at her mouth. "Talking without opening your mouth?"

This had confused The Marauders, since they couldn't hear Tallulah speaking at all.

"Remember, I know things about you Tarquin." Tallulah had said in a low, threatening sort of voice. "So if I were you I would run back to mother and tell her that I won't be joining you at the Blacks' for Christmas dinner this year."

It was probably the most Remus had ever heard her speak, and it was enough to send her brother slinking back down to the dungeons. To this day the group of friends had never been able to work out what Tallulah had done to terrify Tarquin so much. Seeing the exchange between the two siblings had made Remus realise that he _was_ in love with Tallulah Selwyn, but he was also terrified of her. 

"What are you writing, Moony?" Sirius asked, making to snatch the book out of Remus' hand. He was the only one who dared to do so, as if the other two even tried they would have been hexed quicker than they could realise their mistake. 

"Just about how I wish my friends weren't so nosy." He muttered, moving the book out of Sirius' reach.

"He's not writing." Peter said through a mouthful of Droobles. "He's drawing." 

Remus sighed, closing the book and turning towards his friends. James was looking at him intently. Remus raised one eyebrow as if to ask what's your problem? 

"Just wondering, Moony. Have you ever had a full conversation with Selwyn?" He asked. 

Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head. 

"Are we still talking about this?"

"Not for much longer." James said suddenly, springing out of his seat. He pulled the door to the compartment open. 

Tallulah was halfway down the train when she heard someone call her name. 

"Hey! Selwyn!" She turned around to see a mass of curly black hair and glasses sticking out of one of the cabins. James Potter. "There's room in this compartment!" Then he was pulled back in suddenly, like someone inside the cabin had yanked on the back of his robes. 

"You little shit." Remus hissed at him. "I'll kill you, I'll do my time in Azkaban, it will be worth it." 

"It's for your own good, Moony." James said, with an infuriating smirk plastered across his face. 

When she entered the cabin she didn't speak, just looked around at all four boys. She knew James and Sirius, not that she had ever spoken to James. But they both had big personalities, loud thoughts. Thoughts that were difficult to ignore no matter how skilled Tallulah had gotten at blocking out the voices. Peter was strange. As someone who was generally quiet compared to his friends, he had an unexpectedly loud internal monologue. His thoughts weren't loud in the same way as James' and Sirius' though, Peter's thoughts clamoured for attention. As the underdog of the friendship group, he was desperate for someone to notice him. 

Then Tallulah spotted the boy sitting on the farthest side of the cabin. She blushed slightly, unsure why. She had never been able to get a good read on Remus Lupin. And she had tried. Remus intrigued Tallulah now more than ever because, in her experience, if someone's thoughts were difficult to read, they were usually hiding something. 

"You can sit here." Tallulah blinked rapidly as Sirius' real voice cut through his internal one. The boy was gesturing to the seat next to him. She obliged and perched awkwardly on the end of the bench. 

"Good summer?" Sirius asked her, fixing her with a strangely intense stare. 

"Mmm." Tallulah hummed. "It was fine." 

"Just fine?" James asked. 

She shrugged and made a non-committal noise. 

_She's kind of rude._ Tallulah heard Peter think. 

She glanced quickly over at Remus, who hadn't looked up from his lap since she entered the compartment. Focusing all her attention on him for a second, she tried to get an idea of how he was feeling. Nothing. It suddenly occurred to her that nobody in the cabin had spoken for quite a while. 

"I prefer to be at school." She said, trying to sound friendlier. "More interesting, you know?" 

"Oh yeah definitely." James nodded his head vigorously. "I think it's the social component." 

Tallulah smiled awkwardly, it wasn't a secret to anyone that she didn't have any friends. Possibly in an attempt to get rid of the uncomfortable atmosphere his friend had created, Sirius spoke again. 

"Hey, we've all met your brother, Selwyn." He said. "Nobody's surprised you would rather be at school." 

The four boys laughed, it was the first sound she had heard Remus make that day. For some reason, hearing him laugh made her smile too. 

Remus's cheeks flushed pink when she smiled at him. Quickly looking down again, he tried to remember if he had ever seen her smile before. It had only been a slight upturn of the lips, but to him it could have been the most radiant smile he'd ever seen. 

"What about you, Remus?" He heard her directly address him this time, when he looked up her eyes met his. 

"W-what about me?" He stammered, wishing he sounded a little more intelligent. 

"How was your summer?" She spoke slowly, as if she was unsure of herself. The truth was that Tallulah wasn't used to making small talk. 

"It was...fine." he hunched back over his knees and Tallulah heard very clearly what every other boy in the compartment was thinking. 

_Useless_

_Just talk to her!_

_Unbelievable_

Conversation flowed more easily for the rest of the journey. Sirius and Tallulah knew each other through family connections, so the other three heard a great many amusing stories about the annual Selwyn-Black Christmas dinners. More specifically, Sirius's reluctance to attend. 

"It's weird though, that I've been to sixteen Christmas dinners with you and your family but this is the most I've ever heard you speak." Sirius said, smirking. 

"I usually let Tarquin do the talking." Tallulah mumbled. "He's less likely to say something that will upset people." 

She almost asked why Sirius hadn't been present at the last one. But even those who couldn't read minds had heard about Sirius Black's estrangement from his family. 

They finally arrived at Hogwarts, the scarlet engine grinding to a halt at the station in Hogsmeade. 

"After you." Remus said, gesturing awkwardly for Tallulah to exit the cabin. 

"Thanks." She smiled at him again, and he thought he may have a mild heart attack. "Oh, you dropped this." Remus could have been sick when he saw her reach for the leather notebook on the floor. 

"Oh no it's fi-" He tried to protest, but she had already picked it up. To his horror, the book fell open on the drawing he had been doing earlier. It was a sketch of a girl standing on a train platform. She had long hair which fell down past her shoulders and a distant expression on her face. Even from a glance, it was glaringly obvious who she was. 

Tallulah looked at the picture for a minute, and then back up at Remus, who could hear his heartbeat in his ears. 

"Did you draw this?" She asked, her expression unreadable. 

Knowing it was useless to lie, he simply nodded; wishing he could stop his skin from turning red. 

"It's..." She looked down at the drawing again and Remus fought the urge to snatch the book out of her hands. "It's really good."

He was speechless for a second, until James elbowed him in the ribs. 

"You like it?" He asked, not daring to meet her eye. 

"I think it's brilliant." She said, smiling. "I didn't know you could draw." 

"Oh I-I don't. Not, not really." Remus stuttered. "But, you can have that if you..." 

"Really?" She was smiling again so Remus couldn't really concentrate on what she was saying. "Are you sure?" 

He took the book off her and ripped out the page. Handing it to her, he smiled. 

"Thanks." She said, tucking it into her pocket. "I'll see you around, Remus." 

It wasn't until she was sure that she was safely out of view that she pulled the piece of paper out of her robes. The picture was of her, she was sure of it. But it wasn't the drawing that had interested her, it was the writing on the other side of the page. It was a poem, and the first bit of insight into Remus Lupin's private thoughts that she had ever had. 

_I sleep_

_with the wolves_

_in my head_

_and wake up_

_in my own blood_

_we love_

_the things that_

_ **kill us** _


	2. A Fortuitous Seating Arrangement

"She's sitting on her own again."

"Of course she is, nobody likes her."

"Moony does." Remus looked up from his breakfast to see Sirius smirking at him, the expression was mirrored on the faces of James and Peter. Remus simply rolled his eyes and laughed. 

"Can you leave the poor boy alone? What's wrong with having a crush?" The redhead sitting next to James flashed a warning look at her friends which wiped the smiles off their faces. 

"Nothing wrong with a crush, but he has been obsessed with the same girl for seven years now." James replied, seeming to choose his words carefully. 

"You'd know a lot about obsessing over one girl for years, wouldn't you Potter?" Lily asked, a smile playing on her lips. She leaned forward and gave James a quick kiss before standing up and walking out of the hall. 

"You know I'm your boyfriend, right?!" James shouted after her. "You can call me by my first name now!" 

"She is ri-ight." Remus remarked in a sing-song voice. "You're hardly one to talk when it comes to lengthy obsessions." 

"Right, but the difference is that I actually told her how I felt." James said. 

"Repeatedly." Sirius smirked. "Arguably to the point where it may have even been a little bit creepy." 

"You really are lucky that she liked you back." Peter laughed. 

"Don't I know it!" James replied, looking smug. "That could be you and Selwyn, Moony."

Remus didn't bother replying, instead glancing over to the Ravenclaw table where Tallulah was sitting, a golden haired beauty staring into the distance with a blank expression. Her delicate features settled into a perfect expressionless poker face. He wondered, for what felt like the millionth time, what went on inside her head. It was a very lonely existence when you weren't able to share your thoughts with those around you, and Remus knew this better than anyone else. 

A cacophony of scraping benches told Remus that lessons would be starting soon, forcing him to tear his eyes away from Tallulah. Sirius was smirking at him in a knowing way, suggesting his staring hadn’t been as subtle as he had hoped. 

“What do you guys have first?” Peter asked, looking anxious. He was clearly hoping he would be with at least one of his friends. This was probably because, unlike the rest of The Marauders, he wasn’t very good at making friends. 

“Potions.” James and Sirius said together, exchanging grins. 

“Oh good! So do I.” Peter squeaked, clumsily shoving his books into his bag. “What about you Moony?” 

“Astronomy.” Remus said, necking the last of his tea. Peter’s face dropped slightly. 

“See you at lunch, Moons.” Sirius said, swinging his satchel over his shoulder and jogging slightly to catch up with the other two as they set off towards the dungeons.

Remus began the long trek to the astronomy tower. Just as he got to the bottom of the spiralling staircase, he heard someone call his name. Turning around, he smiled as Alice Fortescue waved at him. 

“Hi Alice.” He smiled again when she came to a stop next to him. She certainly hadn’t grown at all over summer and Remus towered over her in a way which might have even made him look threatening if he were anyone else. 

“How was your summer?” She asked, cheeks slightly flushed from running to catch up with him. 

“It was...okay.” Remus answered. In truth his summer had been a bit lonely, he hadn’t been able to go and see the others as much as he would have liked. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy spending time with his parents, he loved them very much. But his father always seemed to be working and his mother barely got out of bed these days. “Mum’s still not very well.” 

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Alice placed a hand on Remus’ forearm and her expression was so genuine that he couldn’t doubt for a second that she meant it.

“Thanks. How was your summer?” He asked her, wanting to change the subject as he could feel a lump starting to form in his throat. 

“It was good! I stayed at Dorcas’ house for most of it.” She beamed, Dorcas was one of Alice’s best friends. 

“Oh yeah, how is she? I haven’t seen her yet.” Remus said, only just realising how strange it was that he hadn’t. She usually said hello at the start of term. 

Alice glanced momentarily down at her hands. 

“Umm, yeah. She’s fine. I think-” She trailed off, looking uncomfortable. “Well, I think she was expecting you to write actually.” 

“Oh!” Remus was surprised. “Well, I...I hadn’t written to anyone, really.” 

“You wrote to Lily.” Alice said quietly, looking more uncomfortable still. “Listen, I’ve got to get to my lesson. But I’ll see you around?” 

“Yeah.” Remus replied, realising he too should get to class. “See you later Alice.” 

“Don’t forget to smile today!” Alice joked as she bounced down the corridor. Making the corners of Remus’ mouth upturn slightly. 

Remus trudged up the stairs, feeling anxious. Had he hurt Dorcas’ feelings by not writing to her this summer? But he never usually wrote to her, so why would she be upset now? Girls were so confusing. He wished they would just say what they were feeling instead of getting angry at him when he couldn’t figure it out himself. He was still musing as he sat down in the closest available seat, barely noticing who he had sat next to. 

“Hello.” He recognised a familiar soft voice coming from the seat next to him, and all thoughts of Dorcas were immediately put out of his head. They had been replaced by another type of anxiety entirely. He turned to the girl.

“Oh hi, Tallulah.” He managed to force the words out, though they did come out at a slightly higher pitch than he would have liked. “Sorry.” 

“Sorry?” She asked, her brow furrowing in confusion. 

“I didn’t realise there was anyone sitting here.” He spoke slowly so as to avoid another awkward pitch change. 

“I guessed, you looked like you were lost in your thoughts.” She said. Remus thought he saw the ghost of a smile flash across her face, but he might have been imagining it. 

“Is...is it okay if I sit here then?” He asked, cringing at how stupid he sounded. 

She nodded and turned her head towards the front as the Professor began to speak. However, as hard as he tried, Remus couldn’t concentrate on a single word Professor Sinistra was saying. These desks were much smaller than the large, oak potions desks with the high stools. She was sitting so close to him now that he could feel her long hair tickling his left hand as she bent down to get her books out of her bag. Every so often, her elbow would briefly touch his as she scribbled her notes onto a piece of parchment. It was almost half an hour before she spoke again. She had been silent for so long that the sound of her voice, no matter how soft, made him jump slightly. 

“How are you, Remus?” she spoke slowly and deliberately, as she had on the train. It was like she was reading from a pre-prepared script. 

“I’m okay.” He replied, wishing he could think of a more interesting response. “I’m happy to be back at school to be honest. How are you?” 

“I’m happy to be back too.” She paused, as if she was choosing her next words carefully. She probably was. Remus had noticed that, on the rare occasion that she did speak, she did so very cautiously. It was as if she was constantly scared of saying the wrong thing. “Do you not enjoy being home?” She finally asked. 

“I do and I don’t, I don’t really get to see my parents a lot. And I always miss my friends.” He said with a small smile which she mirrored, sending his heart racing again. 

“Yes.” She said. “Your friends, they’re nice.” Tallulah was almost taken aback by her own candor. It wasn’t often that she shared her opinions so freely. But she really did like Remus’ friends, especially James and Sirius. If she was prone to jealousy, she would probably have been envious of their closeness. 

“I’m glad you think so.” Remus said with a chuckle. “I’ll be sure to pass your compliments on.” 

She exhaled sharply through her nose, which Remus guessed might have been her version of a laugh. He was glad she hadn’t laughed properly, he was barely getting used to her smiling at him. She put her head back down to carry on with her notes and Remus did the same. They didn’t speak again for the rest of the lesson, but Remus could have sworn that every so often he caught her looking back up at him out of the corner of his eye. 

_ Don’t be an idiot.  _ He thought to himself.  _ Why would she be looking at you? _

Tallulah sighed as she glanced back up at the boy sitting next to her through a curtain of blonde hair. She had expected that it would be very tedious having to make conversation with someone instead of simply looking inside their head. But, to her surprise, she had enjoyed their short conversation. Something about this boy was unbelievably intriguing, she was itching to know what was going on inside his head. It’s likely that she would have appreciated the irony if she had known that he felt exactly the same way about her. 


	3. Cigarettes And Setups

Tallulah opened her eyes one Saturday morning and realised, to her surprise, that she must have slept quite late. She was almost always the first girl in her dormitory to wake up but, as she looked around the room, she realised all the other beds were empty. Swinging her legs over the side of her bed and grabbing her shower bag, she wondered what time it was. 

_ At least there won’t be anyone else in the showers.  _ She thought as she grabbed her towel. The quiet felt nice, and she was reluctant to break it. 

She was still enjoying the sound of only her own thoughts in her head when she was washing her hair, but her peace was suddenly interrupted when she heard two girls come into the bathroom. 

“The thing is Lil.” She recognised the voice of Alice Fortescue. “He could have at least written to her _once_ over summer. You should have seen her, she was like a meerkat every time she heard the owl.” 

“But why would he?” Lily sounded a bit annoyed. “He’s never written to her before, why would he start now?” 

_ He’s never shagged her before either.  _ Alice’s thoughts were much easier to hear than her voice over the sound of the shower running. 

“Yeah I guess.” Alice said. “Ugh but  _ why  _ did you have to mention that he’d written to you?! Talk about rubbing salt into the wound!” 

“It’s not like I made a point of telling her, it just came up.” Lily said shortly. She was definitely irritated. “Is that why she keeps being so rude to me?” 

“I think so.” Alice admitted. “I think it bothers her how close you two are. Plus,  _ you’re _ dating the guy you slept with at the end of last year now. She’s not.” 

“Well excuse me for not being miserable too.” Lily said with a sarcastic edge to her voice. “She’s not a real friend if she’d want that.” 

“You’re not wrong. I do wish she wouldn’t keep snapping at you.” 

_ She doesn’t actually want you to be miserable, you idiot. She’s just jealous.  _

“Well me too.” Lily sighed and her voice softened. “I do feel bad for her, Alice. But you know as well as I do that Remus isn’t being cruel. It won’t have even crossed his mind to talk to her. That’s just what he’s like. I bet until you spoke to him on the first day he didn’t even realise she was upset.” 

Despite usually having less than no interest in other people's business, Tallulah found herself listening more intently at the sound of Remus’ name. She was annoyed with herself for being suddenly more interested but that didn’t stop her from listening. 

“Yeah he did seem confused,” Alice said with a short laugh. “Boys are so stupid!” 

“They really are.” Lily replied. “Speaking of, I’ve got to go and meet my stupid boy in a few minutes. Should we go back to the dorms?” 

Alice must have nodded because they left the bathroom without another word. Tallulah only heard one more thing as the heavy door swung shut. 

_ God, I wonder how Dorcas would feel if she knew that he’s in love with Tallulah Selwyn.  _ Lily thought. 

Tallulah’s eyes widened. She had guessed that Remus was interested in her; she may not have been able to read his mind but she wasn’t dense; but love? That was a very strong word. She couldn’t imagine anyone ever feeling that way about her, never mind someone she had barely had one conversation with. Putting the thought out of her mind, she turned off the shower and wrapped herself in a fluffy white towel. 

***

Remus lay stretched out on the grass with his eyes closed and smiled. This was his happy place, well his  _ and  _ Sirius’s. The black haired boy sat a few feet away from Remus, leaning against a tree and rolling a cigarette. 

They were in a quiet little spot by the lake, it was so far down the bank that it was almost off school grounds completely, and it was hidden by a large tree. You would probably only be able to see it if you were really looking for it. 

“Here you go.” Sirius said, breaking the peaceful silence and passing Remus the freshly rolled cigarette along with a silver lighter. 

“Thanks.” Remus sat up to light it. It was an unhealthy habit which he couldn’t seem to kick. Sirius had started smoking because it was a muggle habit which annoyed his pureblood parents. And Remus had started because he liked spending time with Sirius.

“Nearly full moon.” Sirius said with a cigarette balanced between his own teeth too. “How are you feeling?” 

Remus shrugged and made a non commital noise while inhaling deeply. 

“No worse than usual. These don’t help.” He held the cigarette up between his fingers. 

“Well they’re not meant to be good for you, Moons.” Sirius laughed. “That’s kind of the whole point.” 

Remus laughed and closed his eyes again, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on them. 

“You spoken to Dorcas yet?” Sirius asked after a few more minutes of silence. The question made lines appear on Remus’s forehead. 

“No.” He said. “I feel like she’s avoiding me.” 

“What’s she got to be mad about though? I thought you both agreed it was best to be friends.” Sirius was swatting lazily at a low hanging bough on the tree.

“I thought so too. I’ve got no idea. I mean surely it was the same for her as it was for me?” 

“What, it wasn’t good?” Sirius asked. He could be so nosey. 

“Well, no I wouldn’t say that.” Remus felt himself start to go red. “I mean like, I don’t exactly have any experience to draw on. But I’d say it was good, it just felt a bit awkward. I don’t know…” He trailed off, feeling uncomfortable talking about this with Sirius. It felt like a betrayal of Dorcas’ trust. 

“Women.” Sirius snorted, rolling his eyes. This at least got a smile out of Remus. 

"What about you then, Pads? Anyone on the horizon?" He asked, looking at his friend. It wasn't a secret that Sirius was the most admired boy in their year. Remus could only think of a handful of people that hadn't fancied him at some point or another. Maybe the only person that could have given him a run for his money was James, but he was one half of the school's favourite power couple now. 

Sirius shrugged in an evasive way. "I think McKinnon's still keen." He kept his tone casual, but Remus wasn't fooled.

"Well it's not like you don't fancy her." Remus raised his eyebrows. 

"Of course I do, anyone would. Have you seen her? It's just..." Sirius took another drag while he chose his next words. "I like her, as a person, you know? Like, she's really cool." 

"I'm not seeing an issue here." Remus shook his head. It was probably hypocritical of him to judge someone else for being out of touch with their feelings. But it really was funny to watch Sirius try and convince himself he didn't like Marlene. 

"Well like, anyone else I've been with. I've been able to separate it out you know? But McKinnon's my mate, she's basically one of the lads." 

"Dear God, I hope you don't see us in the same way you see her!" Remus sounded startled. 

"Remus, you're a very handsome man, but you know that's not what i meant." Sirius retorted, chucking a twig at Remus' head. "No I just mean, it'd probably be something more with her. I'm not sure if I want that." 

"What, ever?" Remus was genuinely surprised this time. He knew Sirius was a bit of a Casanova, in fact everyone knew. It had often been suggested that the only reason Sirius Black identified as bisexual was because there simply weren't enough girls in the world to satisfy his needs. But Remus had assumed he must be getting to the age now where he would at least consider a relationship. 

"No I don't mean never. I just mean, I'm eighteen. I've got the rest of my life to fall in love. Right now I just want to have fun." Sirius frowned. "And I know that, so why would I risk hurting her by getting involved?" 

"I'm impressed, Padfoot." And Remus meant it. "That's very mature of you." 

"Thanks." Sirius said. "I really do fancy the pants off her though." He added with a laugh. 

"I know." Remus laughed too. 

The silence was once again interrupted five minutes later when the pair of boys heard footsteps approaching them. They both turned to look at where they were coming from, as it was extremely uncommon for anyone else to be down here. Neither of them could see much past the big tree, there didn’t appear to be anyone there. But a few seconds later a blonde Ravenclaw appeared round the other side of the tree. She didn’t appear to have noticed them. 

Remus shot daggers at his friend. 

“Don’t you dare.” He hissed. But Sirius was already on his feet. 

“Hey, Selwyn!” Sirius shouted, the girl jumped and turned around. Seeing who was calling her name, she raised her hand in a short wave. Sirius gestured her over while Remus spat curse words at him under his breath. 

Tallulah walked over to Sirius, she had been surprised to see anyone else this far from the castle. She only ever came here when she really needed to get away from other peoples’ thoughts. But it seemed that today she wasn’t going to be able to. 

“Sup!” Sirius said, smiling at her. 

“Umm, hi.” She replied. “Sorry, I didn’t think there would be anyone down here.”

“That’s okay, neither did we.” He replied, sitting back down on the grass. 

We? Until Sirius said that, Tallulah hadn’t even realised that he wasn’t alone. Her eyes flickered across to the other boy sitting under the large tree. 

“Oh, hi Remus.” She said, with a slight smile which she couldn’t really explain.

“Hey.” Remus replied, ducking his head back to his knees in an attempt to hide his furiously burning face. 

“Sit down if you want.” Sirius offered, gesturing to the patch of grass between himself and Remus, who was still refusing to look up from his knees. 

“Oh, it’s okay. I don’t want to..intrude.” She said slowly. Of course the real reason was that she couldn’t be bothered to listen to Black’s extremely loud thoughts today. 

“Don’t be silly!” Sirius said. “Or, what? Have you got another social engagement that you need to get to?” 

Remus was about to scold Sirius for his comment but he heard Tallulah exhale sharply again, so guessed that she must have seen the funny side of his slightly rude comment. 

“Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind?” She asked, still hesitant. 

“Of course we don’t, do we Remus?” 

“No.” Remus replied, trying to sound nonchalant. “Of course not.” 

Tallulah sat awkwardly on the grass and crossed her legs. Remus noticed that she always sat perfectly straight, that couldn’t possibly be comfortable. Then again, he thought to himself, she never really seemed comfortable either. Maybe when she was alone she slouched. She seemed especially on edge now, picking awkwardly at a loose thread on her tights. 

“How are you?” Remus asked. 

“Fine.” She responded after a short pause. “I don’t like weekends.” 

“You’re so odd.” Sirius said, seemingly unaware that he was being quite rude. Remus shot him a look. “Sorry but you are! Who doesn’t like weekends?” 

“I don’t really like not having anything to do. I get bored.” She explained in her usual soft, slow tone. Remus could have listened to her speak all day.

“Don’t you have homework or anything?” Sirius asked, wishing Remus would contribute a little more to the conversation. “Or a hobby? Like him and his drawing.”

Tallulah’s eyes followed Sirius’ gaze over to the leather notebook beside Remus. He quickly picked it up and wound the large rubber band around it. He couldn’t risk it falling open in front of her again. 

_ It’s so cute how shy he is around her. _

“Is that...where you do all your drawing then?” She asked, addressing him so that he was forced to turn towards her. 

“It’s not just drawing.” He replied. “I don’t do that very often to be honest.”

“Why not? You’re very good.” Her tone stayed even, but she surprised herself a bit with the compliment. Strangely, she didn’t feel such a need to control her speech around him. 

“Thanks.” Remus blushed. “It’s mainly just more of a journal I guess, sometimes I write poems and stuff too.” 

_ Imagine if she knew how many of them were about her.  _ Sirius thought with a smirk. Tallulah almost felt sorry for him, he really had no idea he was ratting out his friend. 

“It’s...cool that you’re creative.” She looked out across the lake after she said this, as if she wasn’t really expecting a response, which was good because Remus didn’t really know how to respond. 

_ These two.  _ Sirius’ thoughts sounded almost irritated now.  _ Useless conversationalists, the pair of them.  _


	4. Lakeside Encounters

Remus turned to look at the clock on his bedside table, five o’clock. He sighed and rolled over, he never slept well in the week leading up to a full moon. 

_ Only three days to go.  _ He told himself. Once his furry little problem was out of the way he’d be able to sleep better. But only for a couple of weeks, and then the nightmare would start all over again. He sighed, having long since come to terms with his lycanthropy, but he did still wonder how different things would be…

No, he scolded himself for thinking this way. As his mother had always told him, it didn’t make good sense to dwell on what ifs. Life had dealt him this hand and he would do with it what he could. Finally accepting that he wasn’t going to get any more sleep, he slipped out of bed and made his way down into the common room, grabbing his notebook as he left. 

Sitting down in the plushest armchair he could find; if he wasn’t going to sleep he may as well still be comfy; he flipped open the book to his most recent entry. 

_ Tallulah spoke to me again today. God I’m pathetic, why do I feel the need to document every conversation I have with her? Probably so I don’t forget them, like I ever could. Padfoot’s right, I am like a stalker. If she even read half the stuff that’s in here she’d run away screaming. Then again, that’s not the only thing about me that would make her run.  _

_ I wonder if I’ll ever tell her about my ‘furry little problem’. It’s unlikely, since it took me six years to even be able to speak to her properly. And I’d still barely call them conversations, they’re very stilted. I don’t get the impression that she’s very practised at small talk, and I find it difficult to get my words out around her. She’s so fucking beautiful, I almost can’t believe it every time I look at her. But it’s not just that, I mean there’s plenty of beautiful girls here. There’s just something about her...I don’t know what it is but clearly it turns my brain to mush. It’s quite annoying actually.  _

_ She told me today that she’s staying at school for Christmas, I think she does most years. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel happy when she told me that, since I am too. Mum’s back in the hospital and dad is working on Christmas Day. I don’t know though, will I even see her since lessons aren’t on? At risk of sounding like a complete sap, I think it would be hard knowing she’s in the same building as her but not being able to see her.  _

_ Creepy fucking stalker!!!!! _

_ She also laughed at a joke I told her. Well, her version of a laugh, that thing she does with her nose. I can’t even remember what the joke was now, I felt like I might pass out when it happened.  _

_ Maybe, if I’m not feeling like a coward, I’ll sit next to her at Christmas dinner? It’s all well and good saying that now when I’m alone, but it’s an entirely different story when I’m actually in front of her. I forget how to speak. Prongs says it’s endearing but in reality I feel like it just makes me look like a half-wit. What she must think of me... _

_ No that’s it. Here’s my resolution, and I’m writing it down here so I can’t go back on it, I’m going to stop being such a bloody coward. She’s just a person, a very beautiful person in fairness, but she’s not going to...bite.  _

_ Even Wormtail would have to admit that was quite funny.  _

_ Also, must remember to have a chat with Dorcas. I keep putting it off, but she’s my friend. There’s another example of me being a coward. Some bloody Gryffindor.  _

Remus smiled as he read, remembering the promise that he’d made to himself. It was true that he needed to stop being such a yellow-belly. It was his last year at school, what was the worst that could happen? He surely couldn’t leave without being the one to initiate at least one conversation with her. He couldn’t help thinking that The Marauders would be proud of him if they knew what he was thinking. 

***

Tallulah was sitting by the lake with her chin resting on her knees. It was a bright autumn day, and the sunlight was reflecting off the large body of water in a way that almost made it look as if it was glowing. She hadn’t had much sleep recently, not since the nightmares had started again. Well, nightmare. 

It was always the same; she was walking down a long, dark corridor. The silence, which she usually enjoyed so much, was eerie, unnerving. She didn’t know why but she felt compelled to keep walking, knowing she couldn’t stop. It wasn’t until she reached a door that she realised, this was the corridor at the back of her parents’ house. But where were they? She didn’t recognise this door, but she knew that she didn’t want to go through it. 

Suddenly there was pain, an inconceivable amount of pain. She was on fire, burning. The fire coursed through the muscles in her left arm and she was completely motionless, helpless to stop it. She opened her mouth to scream, but no sound came out. She was vaguely aware of people standing around her as she gasped for air through the agony. Why wasn’t anybody helping her? Couldn’t they see that she was in danger? She was surely about to die, she’d never felt pain like this before. 

She had jolted awake, sweating and breathing so heavily that she thought her chest might explode. She prayed that she hadn’t made any noise, but looking around at the other girls in her dormitory she could see that they were all sleeping soundly. She was safe. She kept trying to tell herself that, she was safe here. But she couldn’t quite convince herself. 

She yawned slightly as she stared out across the vast lake. Although she’d woken up from the dream hours ago, her left arm was still burning. Checking that nobody was around, she pulled up the sleeve of her cardigan to look at the black mark on her forearm. It was still red around the edges, it looked irritated, angry. Touching it tenderly, more pain shot through her veins. It hurt at the best of times, but recently it had been unbearable. She pulled her sleeve back down, wincing as the fabric brushed the scar.

She still remembered the night she’d been given it. She’d barely made it through the front door last Christmas when her father had grabbed her by the shoulder, pushing her roughly through the entrance hall towards the back of the house. She hadn’t bothered to ask him what was happening, his thoughts were quite loud enough. She knew they had been planning this for a while, once she had turned seventeen it was just a matter of waiting. 

She’d begged her mother, pleaded with her. She didn’t want this, she didn’t want any part of it. But they hadn’t listened. They never did. The pain was like nothing she’d ever experienced, like icy flames pushing their way into her skin, into her bones. She wasn’t sure if she’d screamed, she didn’t even know how long it had taken. But she knew that once the agony had subsided enough for her to open her eyes, she had been alone. Lying on the hard, wooden floor of the dining room. And she was branded, forever. She couldn’t remember how long she had lay there, cradling her arm and quietly sobbing. 

“Hello.” A familiar voice wrenched her out of her thoughts. She turned around, still feeling a little disorientated. 

“Hi Remus.” She said. He swore he saw the tiniest smile playing on her lips. 

“I thought you might like some company?” He asked, reminding himself of his earlier promise. “It’s fine if you want to be alone though.” 

“No, stay.” The words were out of her mouth before she even knew that she was going to say them, which was weird. 

He sat down next to her on the bank, stretching out his long legs in front of him. He didn’t look well, she thought, his face was pale and he had shadows under his eyes that gave hers a run for their money. 

“Aren’t you warm?” He asked. While it wasn’t hot by any stretch of the imagination, the piercingly bright sun had even made Remus trade in his usual thick knitted jumper for an oversized flannel shirt. 

“I’m always cold.” She lied, tugging slightly on her left sleeve as she did so. “I am the ice queen after all.” 

Remus looked stunned, he didn’t really know what to say. 

“Oh come on, I know what people think of me. I’m not daft.” She smiled. 

“Never said you were, Tallulah.” He returned the smile and leaned back slightly, letting the bright sun warm his pale face. He looked down at his hand, seeing that it was just centimetres away from hers. 

_ Don’t be a coward.  _ He reminded himself.

He moved his hand ever so slightly so that it was now touching hers. For such a tiny amount of physical contact, it sent shivers through his entire body. He wasn’t sure he liked being brave. She looked down at his hand the moment that his skin touched hers, she stared at their hands for what felt like an eternity; though it was probably less than a second. Then she looked up at him, Remus felt his heart stop as her eyes bore into him. Then, so quickly that he might have missed it if he’d blinked, she smiled at him. A real smile, not the slight turn of the lips that he was used to. Averting her gaze back towards the lake, she hooked her pinky finger over his so that they were linked. 

She couldn’t quite explain why she’d done it, but it felt nice. As they sat there, both enjoying the comfortable silence, it occurred to Tallulah that this was probably the most physical affection anyone had shown her in seven years.

She didn’t hate it. 


	5. Christmas

“Promise that you’ll write to me?” Dorcas Meadowes repeated for what must have been the twentieth time that morning. 

“I promise, D.” Marlene replied, smiling at her friend. “It’s only three weeks! Why are you being so dramatic?” 

Dorcas sighed, it was true that she had a certain talent for blowing things out of proportion. But the idea of spending Christmas alone at Hogwarts wasn’t exactly one that appealed to her. Curse her parents for deciding to go abroad for the holidays. 

“Yeah yeah, easy for you to say Marls.” She pouted. “You’re not the one who’s going to have to stay in the dormitory with freak show over there.” She jerked her head over to the cushy blue sofa, where Tallulah sat reading. 

“Shhhh!” Marlene hushed her, frowning. “She’ll hear you!” 

“Like I care.” Dorcas said sullenly. 

“What’s your issue with her? She’s never done anything to us. She barely even speaks.” Marlene glanced over at the blonde girl. 

“Exactly, it’s weird.” Dorcas replied evasively, picking up a magazine from one of the tables and flicking through it with a disinterested look on her face. 

Of course Marlene knew the real reason that her best friend had such a problem with Tallulah. It appeared that she and Remus had been spending more time together than usual. And any girl who even dared to look at the boy who had snubbed Dorcas over summer was automatically blacklisted. She sighed, she loved Dorcas but sometimes found her to be a little childish. You wouldn’t catch Marlene slagging off everyone who went near Sirius Black. Perhaps partly because she’d never get anything else done. 

“You know...Remus is staying here over the holidays too.” Marlene mused, trying to sound casual. “You could hang out with him?” 

Nobody other than her best friend would have noticed the hurt expression that flickered briefly across Dorcas’ face, before it settled back into its previous apathetic expression. 

“We’ve barely spoken since school started.” She said cooly. “I don’t see why that would change now.” 

“Oh come on, get into the Christmas spirit!” Marlene joked, earning the tiniest of smiles from Dorcas.

“Whatever, I’ll be fine.” She said, folding the magazine shut and smiling warmly at her friend. “Have a great Christmas, Marls. I mean it.” 

“You too.” Marlene smiled back at her and gave her a hug. “I’ll write to you every day, okay?” 

“You better.” 

Marlene wheeled her trunk out of the common room, turning around once more to mouth the words  _ be nice _ at Dorcas, who simply rolled her eyes in response. 

_ She’s so pretty, why does she have to be so pretty?  _ Dorcas thought, glancing over at Tallulah, who still seemed to be immersed in the book she was reading. 

Tallulah was slightly taken aback, it wasn’t often that anyone had anything nice to think about her. She knew Dorcas didn’t care for her, but she could hardly hold that against her. She was just a nice girl who’d had her heart broken. Tallulah doubted that even Dorcas knew truly how hurt she had been by Remus. She decided to go to the library before her fellow Ravenclaw’s thoughts turned less complimentary. 

She loved to walk through the corridors of the castle during the holidays. It was incredibly peaceful, with thoughts being few and far between. She didn’t have to worry about hearing other peoples’ well guarded secrets, or unkind opinions of her. She really did enjoy the quiet, maybe that was why she enjoyed being around Remus so much. Of course, it was frustrating not knowing what he was thinking. But it was tranquil when they were alone together, as the only internal monologue she had to listen to was her own. She couldn’t shake the feeling, however, that this wasn’t the only reason that she enjoyed his company so much. 

She was enjoying the noiselessness so much, in fact, that it was very jarring when she finally made it to the library and her peace was swiftly interrupted by the inner rantings of Madam Pince, the librarian. 

_ Unbelievable,  _ she thought sourly as she flicked her wand in the direction of the shelves, rearranging the order of the books on them.  _ Is it really so hard to put books back in the same place that you found them?  _

Rounding a corner, she spotted a familiar tall figure. He was, as usual, hunched over a desk in the corner of the library. He looked peaceful, as he so rarely did, and also appeared to be elbow deep in the book he was reading. So, despite a desire to go and sit next to him which Tallulah herself couldn’t quite explain, she decided to leave him to it and head to the Herbology section. There was an essay on Venomous Tentacula that she needed to finish. However, she had only just picked up a copy of  _ One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi  _ and started to leaf through it, when she heard a voice behind her. 

“Hello.” She turned around, still holding the heavy textbook, and smiled at the boy leaning against the bookshelf. 

“Hi.” She said, confused by the butterflies which fluttered in her stomach when he returned her small smile with one of his own. 

“If you’re not busy,” his dark eyes flicked momentarily to the book in her hands, “I’ve got a desk over there. If you’d like to come and sit with me?” He didn’t know why he’d bothered asking her, as he didn’t exactly have high hopes for her response. There was a whole empty library for her to sit in and the one thing he was sure about with regards to Tallulah was that she enjoyed her own company. 

“Sure.” She said, Remus tried unsuccessfully not to let his facial expressions give away how pleased he was with her answer. “I was just going to finish this Herbology essay anyway.” 

“The one on Venomous Tentacula?” He asked. “Yeah, I’ve been having some trouble with that one myself.” 

“It’s strange.” She said, as they walked back over to the table and sat down. 

“What is?” He asked, confused. Now that she spoke more, Remus found himself getting lost during their conversations quite often. It was as if she only ever said half of what she was thinking. Which, Remus realised, she probably did. As a result, her train of thought was usually pretty hard to follow.

“Well, I don’t usually get stuck on Herbology essays. It’s one of my favourite subjects.” She frowned slightly at this. Clearly she did not enjoy slacking academically. 

“Mine too.” Remus replied. 

“Apart from Astronomy.” They said in unison, earning themselves a stern look from Madam Pince. A subtle blush crept across Tallulah’s cheeks and she exhaled sharply through her nose. That was quickly becoming one of Remus’ favourite sounds. 

The library was silent for a while, save for the sound of their quills scratching against parchment as they each carried on with their essays. Tallulah was more relaxed than she’d been in weeks. Even Madam Pince had shuffled off to the other side of the library so her head was completely clear. Strangely enough, she found that she enjoyed the silence even more when it was partnered with Remus’ company. It was Remus who broke the silence after about twenty minutes. 

“When talking about the primary use of the plant, did you put weapons or potion making?” He asked, the lines in his forehead deepening as his brow furrowed in concentration. 

“Ummmm,” She hesitated, scanning back over her essay, which was nearly complete. “I said potion making. ‘ _ The plant may of course be used as a weapon, but I would argue that it is mainly utilized in the brewing of select potions. The reason for this is that, to be weaponized, the Venomous Tentacula must still be alive. This poses equal risk to attacker and victim, meaning many opt for alternative methods of attack. The plant however does not need to be alive when used in potions such as a Muffling Draught.’”  _ She quoted the last few lines of the paragraph to Remus, who was finding it very difficult to concentrate on what she was saying. He was more focused on how especially beautiful she looked when she was deep in thought. 

“Oh, erm...thank you.” Remus said, shaking himself out of his trance when he realised that she had finished talking. 

“No problem.” She replied, flashing a shy smile at him which didn’t help his concentration any. 

Around five minutes later, Tallulah had finished her essay and busied herself by flicking through a copy of  _ Advanced Potion Making  _ that was sitting on the desk. She tried not to think about how illogical it was that she didn’t want to leave the library, despite having finished all of her work. She also tried to ignore the fact that she could barely get through three pages before her eyes flicked over the top of the book to rest on Remus’ face. 

If she thought about it, she supposed he was really quite nice looking. She wasn’t really one to notice peoples’ looks, usually more preoccupied by what was going on inside their heads. But, as her eyes moved over his tired face, she couldn’t help but notice his long, dark eyelashes, high cheekbones and kind, warm eyes. It was a shame about the scars that littered the pale skin of his face and neck. There was a particularly nasty one that started by his right ear and extended all the way across his cheek. Tallulah could tell that it was an old scar, it was white and shiny. But there were other ones which, while not as big or as deep, looked newer. They were still pink and irritated looking. Unlike many people, Tallulah didn’t find herself wondering in astonishment how one person could acquire so many marks on their skin. She had a pretty impressive collection of her own, though her father was always far too careful to let them show on her face or neck. In a way, she supposed, the lesions on his skin might even make him more attractive. He was imperfect, just like her. 

Suddenly, as if he could sense that she was looking at him, his eyes snapped up and met hers. She looked hurriedly back down at the Potions book, pretending to be immersed in a chapter about Everlasting Elixirs. She rather suspected that she hadn’t quite been quick enough though, as she could still feel his eyes burning into the top of her head. She looked tentatively back over the top of the book and smiled at him. 

“How are you getting on?” She asked him, breaking the silence. 

“I- what?” Remus blinked rapidly, he hadn’t been expecting her to speak. He was sure she’d been staring at him while he wrote. But why would she be?

“With...the essay?” She sounded unsure of herself now too, as if his confusion had confused her. 

“Oh!” Remus said, a look of dawning comprehension spreading across his face. “I’m pretty much finished, I just need to write the conclusion. Thanks again for your help.” 

“Anytime.” She replied, relaxing again. 

There was a few more minutes of silence, while Remus finished his essay. Then, putting down his quill, he looked up at her. It seemed that neither of them had any more work to do, and therefore no reason to stay in the library. So why did neither of them feel any inclination to leave?

“So, why did you decide to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas this year?” Tallulah asked, feeling bold. “Don’t you usually go home?” 

Remus was surprised that she was being so direct, she didn’t often ask him questions unless it was ‘how are you’ or ‘are you using that parchment?’

“My parents aren’t really going to be home, so I didn’t see the point.” He answered, leaving out the fact that his mother was going to be in the intensive care unit of their local hospital. “How about you?” 

“My parents are.” She said dully. 

“Oh.” Remus was at a bit of a loss as to how he should respond. She was rarely so blunt. “If you don’t mind me asking...your parents?” 

“They’re not good people.” Tallulah said quickly, once again surprised by her own candor. “I’m the family disappointment.” A wry smile spread across her face at this. 

“I doubt that.” Remus was unclear on how anyone could possibly be disappointed by the objectively perfect girl sitting in front of him. 

“Oh believe me, I am.” She said. “But it’s okay. I’ve always thought that it must mean I’m doing something right.” 

They shifted in their chairs, both unsure of how to carry on the conversation but neither wanting it to end. In a desperate attempt to keep talking to her - this was probably the most they’d ever spoken - Remus changed the subject entirely. 

“Did you hear that they have a new selection of sweets in Honeydukes?” He asked, hoping to clear the slightly awkward atmosphere. “I can’t wait until the next Hogsmeade trip.” 

“Do you have a sweet tooth then?” She said, the faintest hint of a smile tugging at her lips. She hadn’t pegged him for a confectionary enthusiast, she’d only ever seen him consume copious amounts of tea. 

“Mainly just chocolate.” He admitted, smiling back at her. “Can’t get enough of it, actually.” 

“I’m the same. I think chocolate’s a comfort food.” She said. For some reason, realising that they had this in common made a happy feeling fizz up in the pit of her stomach. 

“It is.” He replied with a chuckle. “There’s never anything I want more at the end of a bad day.”

“Exactly.” She said, exhaling sharply through her nose again. “I haven’t tried any of the stuff at Honeydukes though.” 

“Why?” Remus asked, confused. 

“Well…” She hesitated, feeling slightly embarrassed. “I’ve never been to Hogsmeade, if I’m honest.” 

Remus looked at her, bewildered. They had been able to visit the small wizarding village since third year, how was it possible that she had never been? After all, it was a rite of passage for the students of Hogwarts. 

“I haven’t got any friends.” She added lamely, more embarrassed still. 

“Well, that just isn’t true is it?” He responded quickly, without even thinking. “You’ve got one sitting right in front of you.” 

The smile that broke out across her face at this remark was almost enough to send Remus to an early grave. By some miracle, he managed not to fall out of his chair. 

“Yes, I suppose that’s true isn’t it?” She said, her smile widening. 

“Yes, and luckily for you, your new friend knows how to get to Hogsmeade even when there isn’t a scheduled trip.” His eyes were glinting now. Tallulah finally understood why he got on so well with James and Sirius, who were easily the most well known troublemakers in the school, perhaps apart from Peeves. 

She was opening her mouth to respond when they were both distracted by the sound of someone else entering the library. Turning in the direction of the door, they saw Dorcas Meadowes. Her pretty features rearranged themselves into a look of annoyance when she saw Tallulah and Remus sitting together. 

“Hi Dorcas.” Remus said, after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. 

“Hey.” She replied, looking momentarily startled by Remus’ greeting. She didn’t even acknowledge Tallulah save for the tiniest scowl in her direction. If Tallulah hadn’t been able to hear her internal monologue excruciatingly clearly, she might have assumed that Dorcas hadn’t noticed her sitting there at all. 

_ Of course he’s sitting with the freak show, I mean why wouldn’t he be?! _

She’d become very used to the comfortable silence in the library, and it was very jarring to have it interrupted by Dorcas’ increasingly spiteful thoughts. Deciding that perhaps she had done enough socialising for today, she stood up. 

“I think I’m going to head back to my dormitory.” She said quietly to Remus as Dorcas stalked past them and sat down at a different desk. 

“Oh.” Remus looked disappointed, and Tallulah fought the urge to sit straight back down. “Okay, no problem.” 

“I’ll see you later though.” She added, smiling at him. 

“I hope so.” Remus said, taking himself by surprise. He was rarely so forward, James would be so proud of him. One look at her face told him that he’d surprised Tallulah too. She stared at him in shock for a split second, then seemed to regain her composure. 

“Me too.” She said, smiling. 

As she walked out of the library, her good mood was only slightly dampened by Dorcas’ thoughts, which she could hear as clearly as if she were screaming them right up until she left the room. 

_ Stupid, stuck up cow.  _ Dorcas thought, as she watched Tallulah push the heavy door open and disappear. 


	6. New Year's

It was a very cold day in December and the castle was shrouded in a thick blanket of sparkling white snow. For this reason, most of the students who were still at Hogwarts were spending the day in their common rooms, curled up in comfy armchairs by a warm fire. However, there were two students who were not. As the clock struck midday, a Gryffindor and a Ravenclaw slipped behind a statue on the third floor and headed for the small wizarding village of Hogsmeade.

“Ouch!” Tallulah exclaimed as Remus stood on her toes, she lifted up her foot and massaged it.

“Sorry.” Remus apologised, blushing. Standing at six foot three, it was considerably harder for him to make his way along the secret passage now than it had been when he and The Marauders had discovered it in their second year. 

“It’s okay.” Tallulah said, smiling at him. 

She was excited to finally be visiting the village for the first time. And, not that she would ever admit it to herself, even more excited to be going with her new friend. 

Since the first day of the holidays, she and Remus had been spending more and more time together. There had been a few chance meetings in the first week (as if there was such a thing in the enormous castle). But eventually, after a few study sessions in the library during which neither of them got much work done, they had started planning to see each other each day. Their mornings were always the same, one would sit in the library until the other came to meet them. This was the easiest thing to do as they were in different houses and therefore unable to go into each others’ common rooms. Once there, they would perhaps spend a while in the library, reading together and enjoying the comfortable silence, or maybe go on walks around the school grounds. 

Strangely, the only day she hadn’t seen Remus was boxing day. She had waited in the library all day, unsuccessfully trying to distract herself from his absence by completing essays and adding to her already substantial piles of revision notes. She supposed he mustn’t have been well. Come to think of it, he had looked rather ill during Christmas dinner the day before. These suspicions were confirmed when she walked into the library on the morning of the twenty-seventh and found him in his usual spot, full of apologies for ditching her. 

“Sorry, I didn’t feel well.” He had said. “Was on strict orders from Madam Pomfrey to spend the day in bed.” 

Remus himself had noticed that the time they spent together was increasing too. At the start of the holidays Tallulah had only been able to handle an hour or so of socialising before she excused herself. But, as they started to keep each others’ company more, she stayed for longer. Just that week, they had spent almost the entire day playing wizard’s chess in The Great Hall. She was very good at it. In fact, she was probably the only person Remus had ever met who could give him a run for his money. 

“How long is this tunnel?” Tallulah asked, peering down the seemingly endless passageway. 

“Not too long.” Remus said. “It gets narrower though so be prepared for that.”

They walked for almost an hour. Remus had been moving in an uncomfortable crouching position since they slid into the passageway, but even Tallulah found herself having to hunch over slightly as they made their way further along the tunnel. Eventually, they came to a long set of stairs. Tallulah rolled her eyes, Hogsmeade had better be worth it. 

When they finally made it to the top of the wooden staircase, Remus pushed open what appeared to be a trap door and looked furtively around before hoisting himself out and gesturing for Tallulah to follow him. When she pulled herself up she looked around what appeared to be a basement full of crates and boxes. 

“Ta da.” Remus deadpanned, seemingly entertained by her blank expression. 

“Where are we?” She asked. But her question was answered when she noticed a large number of brightly coloured sweets spilling out of one of the boxes in the corner. “Oh!” 

“Come on.” He whispered, beckoning her towards another set of wooden stairs. He ran quickly up them and she followed. Remus then opened the door at the top by a crack and checked that the coast was clear before slipping deftly through it. Tallulah was amused, clearly Remus had had a lot of practice at this. She followed him and closed the door behind her, feeling excited. Her feelings of exhilaration were nothing, however, compared to how she felt when she turned and looked at the shop she had just entered. 

Each shelf was full to bursting point with every sweet, cake and chocolate that Tallulah could have imagined. There were enormous glass jars full of Acid Pops, Exploding Bonbons and Crystallized Pineapple. While on the other side of the shop stood stacks upon stacks of Chocolate Frogs, Shock-o-choc and Chocolate Cauldrons. Remus had headed over to the latter as soon as they’d slipped through the door, and was already helping himself to liberal amounts of Chocolate Wands. 

“Wow.” Tallulah said, coming to stand at his side. She was unable to think of anything else to say. 

“Told you it was great.” Remus said with a wicked grin plastered across his face. “Here.”

He passed her an enormous chocolate bar covered in gold paper which read  _ Honeydukes Best Chocolate. _ Tallulah’s mouth started watering just looking at it. 

“Oh. Thank you.” She said, awkwardly fishing around in her purse for some coins to give him in exchange. 

“Stop that.” He frowned slightly. “It’s a Christmas present.” 

She didn’t really know what to say to this, she was hardly used to such random acts of kindness. She smiled at him before ripping the corner of the wrapping off and breaking off a small square. It was easily the best thing she’d ever tasted, and she’d eaten a lot of chocolate in her life. 

“Good, isn’t it?” Remus asked, noticing her smile. 

“Amazing.” She had some trouble getting this word out as the roof of her mouth was still coated in the rich, velvety chocolate. “So, what do I give you as a Christmas present?” She asked, unsure of herself. 

“Ummm,” He mused for a second, “You can just buy my drink at The Three Broomsticks.” 

“Are we going there too?” Tallulah was shocked, she hadn’t expected to be heading anywhere else. 

“Of course, if you want to?” Remus ducked his head and blushed slightly at this, feeling as though he’d been a little presumptuous. 

“Yes, I think I would.” The anxiety in his stomach cleared instantly as Tallulah smiled again. He really couldn’t get used to her doing that, especially not when it was directly at him. It felt a bit like staring straight at a very bright light. 

Remus headed for the till and tipped his many items onto the counter. The round faced lady behind it smiled kindly at him. 

“Hello Remus, sure you’ve got enough there?” She joked, pointing at the large pile of chocolate between them. 

“I think so, Mrs Flume.” Remus responded, matching her humorous tone. 

“Who’s your friend?” She asked, nodding towards Tallulah, who was busy examining a blood flavoured lollipop with an inquisitive look on her face and appeared not to be able to hear them. 

“That’s Tallulah, she’s never been here before.” Remus muttered, keen not to let Tallulah overhear. 

“She’s  _ very  _ pretty dear, good for you.” Mrs Flume said as she scanned his items with her wand. “That’ll be sixteen sickles and eight knuts please, love” 

Once they left Honeydukes, they wandered through the town square in the direction of The Three Broomsticks. They meandered through the village quite aimlessly until they reached the tavern and saw Professor Flitwick and Professor Slughorn coming out of the front door. 

“Shit.” Remus hissed, ducking behind a particularly large group of witches and pulling Tallulah with him. 

They kept in step with the witches until they were safely inside The Three Broomsticks. It was only then that Remus realised he hadn’t let go of Tallulah’s wrist. 

“Sorry!” He said quickly, dropping her arm as if it had given him an electric shock. 

“It’s umm...okay.” Tallulah replied, blushing. Truth be told, she had quite liked the feeling of Remus’ warm hand around her wrist. 

“We should probably sit somewhere out of the way.” Remus said, walking over to a table in the corner of the tavern. “Just in case any more teachers decide to come in.” 

“Sure…” Tallulah mumbled absentmindedly. The Three Broomsticks was very busy, and drunk thoughts were much louder and harder to block out than sober ones. “I’ll go and get drinks.” 

Misreading her distractedness, Remus felt a little disheartened and assumed that Tallulah wasn’t enjoying his company anymore. In reality, this couldn’t have been further from the truth. Remus’ presence was the only thing keeping Tallulah somewhat comfortable. 

Tallulah weaved her way through the crowd of people until she was standing at the bar. She leaned against the wood and massaged her temples. 

_ Pretty young thing, that.  _ Thought a grizzled old man standing next to her.  _ Wonder what she’s doing here all alone.  _

She could sense him staring at her and started to feel quite uneasy. Luckily, she had only been standing at the bar for a couple of minutes when a very attractive blonde woman who couldn’t have been much older than Tallulah herself turned to her. 

“What can I get you, lovely?” She asked, smiling. 

“Ummm…” Tallulah was finding it hard to block out what the old man was now thinking about the barmaid. “Oh, he didn’t actually tell me what to get him.” She glanced back over towards the table but she couldn’t see a thing thanks to the throng of people crowded around the bar. 

“First time here is it?” The woman asked. Tallulah nodded, was it that obvious? “I’d suggest a Butterbeer then darl, can’t go wrong!” 

She poured out two glasses of extremely frothy orange liquid and slid them over the bar towards Tallulah, who was still working very hard on not listening to the man’s vulgar opinions on the barmaid’s low cut blouse. 

“That’ll be four sickles please!” She said brightly, holding out her hand as Tallulah dropped the coins into her palm. 

“Rozzie!” Called a man from behind the bar. “We need a new barrel of mulled mead!”

“Sure thing!” The pretty blonde barmaid yelled back as she put the coins into the till. “Enjoy, honey!” 

Smiling gratefully, Tallulah carefully made her way back to the table with the rather full glasses. Setting them down on the slightly rickety table, she relaxed a bit. It was much quieter over in the corner, and Remus was smiling at her in a content sort of way which reduced her anxiety further. 

“You knew what I wanted without me telling you.” Remus remarked, looking impressed. “What are you, a mind reader?” 

Tallulah, who had been taking her first swig of Butterbeer at that precise moment, inhaled very sharply and sent a fair amount of the drink shooting up her nose. Coughing and spluttering, she tried to discreetly wipe the orange liquid off her chin. 

“The barmaid recommended it.” She eventually managed to croak out. 

Remus had the unmistakable look of someone who was trying to hold in laughter. Taking a draught of his own drink, he looked around The Three Broomsticks. 

“If I’d been thinking logically, I’d have taken you to The Hogs Head.” He said. “We’d be less likely to be caught by teachers there.” 

“Why didn’t you, then?” Tallulah asked, having recovered slightly from her Butterbeer inhalation. 

“It’s a bit dodgy in there.” Remus replied, wrinkling his nose slightly. “This place is much nicer I mean. And I wanted your first experience of Hogsmeade to be as good as possible.” 

“Mission accomplished.” Tallulah said with a small smile. 

The two shared a very restful silence for a bit while they finished their drinks. Doing something that was most out of character, Tallulah took the opportunity to listen to the thoughts of the people around her. While she usually avoided getting inside peoples’ heads at all costs, the atmosphere in The Three Broomsticks was very warm and inviting. As a result, so were peoples’ thoughts. There was the added bonus of nobody in the tavern knowing who she was, meaning there was a very small chance that she was likely to hear anything she’d rather not. 

_ This firewhiskey’s stronger than I remembered.  _ Thought a tall, stocky man who was sitting a few tables away opposite a very thin, brunette witch who was wearing a rather sullen expression.  _ Still, I have to finish it or she’ll think I’m a wuss.  _

_ I hate blind dates.  _ The brunette girl thought.  _ He doesn’t look anything like how Lola described him.  _

_ I wonder if Rosmerta would notice me if I chugged the rest of this tankard?  _ Thought a lanky boy by the bar. Tallulah found herself hoping that he wouldn’t, as she could tell by the boy’s inner voice that he was already pretty inebriated. Additionally, she glanced again at the beautiful blonde barmaid, Tallulah didn’t reckon that it would impress her at all. 

“So…” Tallulah was wrenched out of her trance by Remus’ voice opposite her. “Tomorrow’s the last day of 1977.” 

“Oh, yeah.” Tallulah said, realising with a start that she hadn’t even noticed that it was New Years Eve tomorrow. “I hadn’t even realised.” 

“Well, I was going to ask you…” Remus trailed off, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “Well, there’s going to be a meteor shower at midnight. It’s really rare, I think it only happens once every hundred years or so.” 

“I remember Professor Sinistra talking about it.” Said Tallulah. “I really want to see it. I mean I might be able to see it from Ravenclaw Tower but I’m not sure.” 

“Well I was wondering,” Remus spoke quickly, “If you’d like to go and watch it in the Astronomy Tower?” 

“Oh.” Tallulah blinked a few times. “Well...yes. But, won’t we get in trouble if we’re caught?” 

“I’ve got that covered.” Remus said, with a knowing sort of grin. “Just meet me outside the Ravenclaw common room at eleven.” 

The walk back along the secret passageway felt much shorter than it had on the way to Hogsmeade. Perhaps it was that their stomachs were now full of chocolate and Butterbeer. Or perhaps, it was because Remus’ stomach was full of something else entirely. Fizzing, exploding fireworks rattling around his gut at the thought of spending New Years Eve with Tallulah Selwyn. 

***

The clock had just struck eleven on New Years Eve when the large wooden door to the Ravenclaw common room swung open. Peeking tentatively out and seeing nobody, Tallulah stepped into the corridor. Looking around, she was confused to see no sign of Remus, he had said eleven right? Suddenly, a noise slightly to her right made her jump, turning to look, she saw Remus’ head floating in mid air. A few seconds later, his body appeared. He looked like he was holding something which was both visible, but also completely transparent.

“Prongs left his invisibility cloak here for me over the holidays.” Remus explained, holding up the strange material. “Just in case I fancied any late night excursions.”

“Oh.” Was all Tallulah could manage as she stared at the cloak in bewilderment. 

They made their way up to the Astronomy Tower before shedding the cloak and seating themselves in a spot on the floor by the large observatory window. Luckily, there were a number of cushions on the hard, stone floor as the tower had clearly recently been used for a practice exam of some kind. While Remus lit a lantern, Tallulah rested her chin on the windowsill. The night sky was inky black and completely still, there was absolutely no danger of them missing the meteor shower. 

“It’s very peaceful up here. Tallulah said quietly after a few moments of silence. 

“Very.” Remus agreed. “I come up here quite a lot, actually. I should have told you to wear a jacket though, I forget how cold it gets.” 

It was true that sitting next to the enormous window was already causing Tallulah to shiver a little, her thin knitted sweatshirt did very little to protect her from the icy draught coming in through the cracks in the window panes. 

_ “Lacarnum Inflamari.”  _ She said, pointing her wand at a patch of concrete in front of her. Delicate blue flames leapt from her wand and sat on the floor, crackling merrily. 

“You’re not worried it might spread?” Remus asked, looking concerned. “I’d be really mad at you if you burned down my favourite part of the school.” 

“It won’t go anywhere I don’t want it to.” Tallulah shrugged casually. Remus stared at her. 

He had noticed years ago that Tallulah seemed to have an inexplicable amount of control over her magic. He had never once seen her fail to cast a spell, and whenever she did cast one, the magic was always immaculately refined. Even back in first year, she’d had the air of a much more experienced witch. It wasn’t just a case of her being clever or talented, though she was those things, as Remus himself was a very bright and talented wizard. It was more that she wielded her magic without an ounce of uncertainty. Remus supposed it must have been due to her personality, which was measured and controlled in much the same way as her magic was. Realising he had been looking at her for perhaps a bit too long, he turned to stare into the flickering blue flames. 

Tallulah gazed at the boy through a thick curtain of blonde hair. She was thinking in the same way that she had been on the first day of the holidays. Her eyes glided over his face, taking in every detail. From the laughter lines around his eyes to the deep set cupid's bow above his mouth. She had been trying to put her finger on what it was about his appearance that appealed to her, as it was still very foreign to her to be thinking in detail about anyone’s appearance at all. The most reliable thing she could do was to compare him to someone she knew to be very attractive. She didn’t have to be a legilimens to be aware of the fact that almost every girl (and a large number of the boys) in her year fancied Sirius Black. And she could see it, she supposed. But it wasn’t the same. Sirius was handsome, certainly. But, as she looked at Remus and the blue light from the flames danced across his face, she realised there was only one word to describe him. He was beautiful. 

The silence was punctuated suddenly by a small exclamation from Tallulah. She had been warming her hands on the fire and gotten a little to close, burning her left wrist. Wincing, she patted at her sleeve, which was singed. 

“Oh dear. How did you manage that?” Remus asked, shaking his head slightly. “Here.” 

Before Tallulah could protest, Remus had pulled the singed sleeve up. The was a moment of painful, palpable silence as he stared down at the ugly black mark on her forearm. Forgetting all about the burn, she snatched her arm back out of his hands and covered it back up. Remus just carried on staring at his hands, where her arm had been not five seconds ago. Finally, after what felt like hours, he looked up at her. 

“Was that…” 

“Yes.” She cut him off, speaking very quietly. “It’s not what you think.” She had never felt shame like this, it welled up inside her so fiercely that she felt like her chest might explode. 

“Are you…” He hesitated. “I mean, are you one of  _ them _ ?” His voice was laced with an uncertainty she had only ever heard months ago, when she had first started speaking to him. 

“I suppose, technically.” She was speaking slowly, as she had done at the start of the year. She felt as if the last few weeks hadn’t happened at all, she felt as if they were strangers again. “I’m not though. Not really. I don’t agree with it.” 

“Tallulah, it doesn’t look right.” Remus said lamely. Unsure of how to word his thoughts. “I mean, it doesn’t look like it was done properly.” 

“Oh, it was.” She let out a short, sharp laugh that was completely devoid of any humour. “My parents made sure of that.” 

“Your parents did this to you?!” Remus sounded more horrified still. It hadn’t escaped his notice that Tallulah always returned to school with a number of bruises and scars on her skin, but this? What kind of parent would brand their child with something so horrifying?

“Yes.” She was practically whispering now, even in the silent tower Remus had to strain to hear her. “I think that’s why it looks like that. Because it was done by force. My body’s...rejecting it somehow.” 

“Does it hurt?” Remus asked, realising it was probably a stupid question. 

“Sometimes it burns. I think it’s when he’s calling them, it feels like fire in my veins.” Unable to look at his pale, drawn face for another second, she turned to look out of the window again. She concentrated very hard on the pitch black sky, so as not to think about all the assumptions the boy behind her must have been making. 

“I’m so sorry Tallulah.” He finally said. This shocked her, she hadn’t expected anything short of disgust from him. “You clearly don’t want anybody to know about this. And, though it was by accident, I’ve forced it out of you.” 

There was a lengthy silence while each of them tried to figure out what to say next. Finally, Remus spoke. 

“My mother’s dying.” 

Tallulah turned back around to face Remus, whose eyes were glistening with barely contained tears. She stared at him, mouth slightly open, completely unable to think of a response. 

“She has cancer.” He said. “It’s terminal. There’s nothing they can do.” 

“I- I’m so sorry Remus.” Tallulah whispered, feeling as though her response was wildly inadequate. 

“I don’t know how much longer she has left.” He continued. The lump in his throat was making it very difficult to speak. “That’s why I didn’t go home this Christmas. She’s in the hospital. She’s just lying in a bed somewhere, wasting away, and there’s not a single thing I can do.” 

Tallulah thought to herself that Remus, usually so tall, appeared to have shrunk in size as he spoke and now looked exceedingly small and mournful. Suddenly overcome by a profuse need to comfort the boy, she slipped her hand into his outstretched palm and squeezed it tightly. He wrapped his long fingers around her hand, barely thinking twice about the physical contact, just grateful for the affection. 

“Does anyone else know?” She asked. 

“My friends know she isn’t well.” He said, lifting his free hand to wipe away a singular tear that had escaped his eye. “But they don’t know how bad it is. They worry about me enough as it is.” 

Another tear had rolled down his cheek as he said this. Without thinking, Tallulah reached up and wiped it away. Suddenly realising what she was doing, her hand froze just centimetres away from his face. They stared at each other, each thinking that they hadn’t felt this intimately close to someone in a very long time, or perhaps ever. Even in his current state of melancholy, Remus was unable to ignore how beautiful she looked, her pale face bathed in the moonlight that was now flooding in through the windows. 

They gazed at each other for what felt like an eternity, neither knowing what to do. When the heavy silence became too much to bear, Tallulah felt panic start to rise in her stomach. What did he expect her to do now? Her hand was still raised closely to his face, which seemed considerably more flushed than it had thirty seconds ago. Just as she was about to lower it, a dizzying array of lights illuminated the dimly lit room. 

“Oh!” Tallulah muttered softly as both their heads snapped towards the window. 

It must have been midnight because the sky, which had still been jet black only a few moments ago, was strewn with bright lights as the meteor shower began. All the tension in the tower vanished as Remus scrambled closer to the window to get a better look, allowing his grip to loosen and letting Tallulah’s hand slip out of his. They watched the shower for what must have been at least fifteen minutes before the lights gradually began to fade. 

“Wow.” They uttered in unison, as the sky returned to its former smooth, black state. For someone who hadn’t witnessed the meteor shower, it would be impossible to know that it had ever taken place. 

“Happy New Year, Remus.” Tallulah said, blinking furiously to try and readjust her eyes. 

“Happy New Year, Tallulah.” Remus replied. Stifling a yawn, he looked at his watch. “We should probably get going. It’s almost half twelve.”

Tallulah simply nodded in agreement and stood up, extinguishing the blue flames with the slightest flick of her wand. After blowing out the lamp, they donned the invisibility cloak again and headed down the winding marble staircase. 

They made it back to the Ravenclaw common room without any hassle, apart from a close shave with Peeves the Poltergeist, who had been floating around on the fifth floor removing helmets from the suits of armour. When they got to the wooden door, they once again removed the cloak and, upon seeing Tallulah, the bronze knocker in the shape of an eagle spoke clearly into the silence. 

“What can be broken without being held?” It asked, waiting expectantly. 

“A promise.” Tallulah and Remus both answered, exchanging smiles. 

“Very well.” The door swung open ever so slightly, so that it now stood ajar. Tallulah turned to face Remus. 

“Thank you for tonight.” She whispered, placing her hand on his arm. “I had a lovely time.” 

“So did I.” He replied, trying to ignore the shivers running through his body as she squeezed his arm slightly. “Goodnight, Tallulah.” 

“Goodnight.” She repeated, gazing into his deep, brown eyes. 

Suddenly, without really thinking about what she was doing, Tallulah had lifted herself up onto her tiptoes and tilted her chin up ever so slightly so that her face was almost level with Remus’. Not allowing herself time to analyse the decision, she touched her lips softly to his. The kiss was quick. So quick in fact, that Remus barely had time to comprehend that it was happening before it was over. He looked down at her, gobsmacked. Her eyes were wide as if she’d surprised herself just as much as she’d surprised him, which she absolutely had. 

“Oh don’t worry about me.” The eagle spoke again. “I’ll just hang open until you two are finished.” 

Her cheeks flaming red, Tallulah slipped through the wooden door with one last mumble of “goodnight”, leaving Remus alone in the corridor as the door closed behind her. His racing heart and the tingling feeling on his slightly parted lips serving as the only evidence that she’d been there at all. 


	7. Post-Traumatic Kiss Disorder

Dorcas couldn’t wait for the Christmas holidays to be over, and was beyond relieved when the fourth of January rolled around, signifying the return of her friends to Hogwarts. She was there, waiting, when the horseless carriages pulled up outside the school. 

“Hey, stranger!” Called a redhead from the third carriage. 

“Hello yourself!” Dorcas replied, beaming. 

“How was your Christmas, D?” Asked Alice, hopping down from her carriage with as much ease as her short legs would allow. 

“Oh, you know…” Dorcas said, her smile faltering slightly. At that exact moment though, she was nearly knocked backwards by someone running headlong into her and wrapping their arms around her. 

“Hey sexy.” Marlene said, slurring slightly. “Missed you.” 

Dorcas laughed, and shot a questioning glance at Lily, who seemed unable to keep a straight face. 

“She nicked some of her dad’s Firewhiskey and drank it on the train.” Lily said, sniggering. “She’s been hammered since we left King’s Cross.” 

The four girls dissolved into giggles and made their way inside the castle, Marlene leaning rather heavily on Dorcas’ shoulder. Once they got into The Great Hall and ensured that Marlene was sitting securely on the bench, Alice turned back to Dorcas. 

“So seriously, how were the holidays?” She asked, looking concerned. “Was it awkward with Remus?” 

“Not really.” Dorcas said airily. “I barely saw him, actually.”

“What? How?!” Alice said, looking surprised. “I mean there was hardly anyone else here!” 

“He spent  _ literally _ every day with fr- Selwyn.” Dorcas said, correcting herself just in time, as Alice didn’t approve of name calling. 

“Oh…” Alice seemed unaware of how to respond. “Are you okay?” 

“Kind of used to it now.” Dorcas shrugged. But her casual tone was instantly abandoned when she saw the boy himself enter the hall with James, Sirius and Peter. “Oh for goodness sake!” 

Lily, who was sitting a few spaces away making sure that Marlene didn’t fall out of her seat, frowned. Remus had promised her that he would speak to Dorcas and clear the air over Christmas, she would have to give him a piece of her mind. 

“Well hello, my beautiful Lily flower!” James exclaimed, seating himself next to her and draping his arm over her shoulders. She smiled, it was pretty hard to hang onto a bad mood when her goofy boyfriend was around.

“Well, fancy seeing you here.” She said, nestling into his shoulder.

Sirius and Remus had hung back slightly and were still standing by the door. 

“So, you finally kissed her?” Sirius asked, looking impressed. 

“No, she kissed me.” Remus said. Sirius’ expression of admiration increased. “You can stop looking at me like that. You should have seen her face afterwards, like she instantly regretted it. And I haven’t seen her since, not even at meal times.” 

“Oh.” Sirius said, looking confused. “I keep telling you, she’s strange. But hey, try and look on the bright side.” 

“And that is what, exactly?” Remus snapped, sitting down opposite Peter. 

“Well, you still got to kiss her didn’t you?” Sirius muttered under his breath. “This seat taken, McKinnon?” He asked Marlene, who responded with a loud hiccup. 

“What happened to her?” Remus asked his friends, looking at Marlene, who was slumped over the table. 

“She’s trashed.” Sirius said, with a laugh. “Come on Marls, I’ll take you to your common room. You look like you could do with a lie down.” He hoisted Marlene up off the bench and led her out of the hall, smirking. 

“Look at you, looking after me.” Marlene mumbled as they left the table. 

“Always, McKinnon.” Sirius said affectionately. 

“Never mind Marlene.” Lily said suddenly. “What’s wrong with you, Remus?!” 

“Me?” Remus asked, looking confused.

“Yes, you!” Lily repeated. “You promised me you’d talk to Dorcas over the holidays!” She whispered this so she wouldn’t be heard by Alice and Dorcas, who still seemed to be deep in conversation. 

“Oh…” Remus hesitated. “Well I didn’t really have much of a chance.” 

“Yeah, I bet I know who he was busy with.” Peter smirked, looking over to the door. Tallulah had just entered the hall and was sitting down at the Ravenclaw table. 

“Listen, Remus. You go and talk to her now or so help me God I will wring your damn neck.” Lily said, sternly. 

“You’re so sexy when you’re being assertive.” James said, gazing at Lily with a mix of amusement and adoration in his eyes. 

Feeling somewhat trepidatious, Remus stood up and approached Dorcas and Alice. They immediately stopped talking when they noticed him, Alice smiled awkwardly at him while Dorcas didn’t even look in his direction. 

“Erm, Dorcas…” Remus said, uncomfortably shifting his weight from one foot to another. “Do you think I could talk to you, quickly?” 

She didn’t respond, but swung her legs over the bench and started to walk out of The Great Hall, gesturing sharply for Remus to follow her. Following her apprehensively, Remus turned once more towards Lily and James. The latter grimaced at him while Peter mouthed  _ good luck _ . When they got out into The Entrance Hall, Dorcas turned and looked at Remus expectantly. 

“Well?” She asked, leaning casually against the wall. 

“Well erm...I just wanted to check that there aren't any hard feelings between us.” Remus said, unable to meet her gaze. “I mean, we decided to just be friends right?” 

Dorcas snorted derisively. 

“Yeah,  _ we _ decided.” She said, rolling her eyes. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, bewildered. “Is that not what happened?”

“Ha!” She let out a sharp, cold laugh. “How could we have decided anything when you’re completely incapable of talking about your feelings?” 

Remus thought that was a little bit unfair. He wouldn’t say he was  _ completely _ incapable. 

“Don’t worry though.” Dorcas continued. “I got the message, loud and clear.” 

“I- I didn’t, I mean.” Remus stammered, unable to collect his thoughts. “I didn’t know you felt that way about me. I’m sorry.” 

She could tell that he was being genuine, but for some reason this just annoyed her more. 

“Oh don’t flatter yourself, I’m not in love with you or anything!” She said coldly. 

“I didn’t say you were!” Remus exclaimed, looking horrified. He saw Dorcas glance through the ajar door in the direction of the Ravenclaw table. 

“Is  _ that _ the reason you didn’t want to get involved?” She asked, nodding towards a head of blonde hair which was just visible from where they were standing. “You could have just told me.” 

“That? She’s got a name.” Remus said, somewhat curtly. 

“Ooh sorry, didn’t mean to insult your girlfriend!” Dorcas said with a humourless laugh. 

“She’s not my girlfriend.” Remus mumbled, turning a bit red. “We’re just friends.” 

“Oh please, Remus. I’m not stupid, I see the way you look at her. Like she’s the best thing since sliced bread.” Dorcas said scathingly. “But why her? I mean, what’s so special about her?” 

“I don’t-” Remus started to reply but Dorcas cut him off. 

“I mean she has no mates, even her own family want nothing to do with her. She's clearly a freak. so what is it that you see in her that nobody else does?” She asked. Her face was angry, but Remus could see just a tiny bit of hurt flicker across the surface of her hardened features. 

“Don’t call her a freak.” He said quietly. 

“Well she is! Everyone thinks so!” Dorcas said shrilly. “Whatever, you’ve apologised now. You don’t have to feel guilty about mugging me off now I guess. Have fun with the freak show, hope she’s everything you’ve ever dreamed.” 

With that she stormed away. Remus just stared after her, seething. He understood that she was hurt, but that was completely on him. There was absolutely no need to bring Tallulah into it, she hadn’t done anything. If Remus was a nastier person, he would have told Dorcas just how unattractive her attitude was in that moment. But he didn’t. 

A few metres away, sitting alone at the end of the Ravenclaw table, Tallulah winced at the torrent of obscenities being thrown her way by Dorcas’ inner monologue. 


	8. An Invite

The Potions classroom was especially freezing one morning in January. Tallulah sat huddled into her robes at the back of the room, trying desperately to avoid the chilling breeze coming in through the slightly ajar door. She tucked her hands into her sleeves as Professor Slughorn spoke at the front of the classroom. 

“Today, we’ll be making a potion called Amortentia.” He said. “Does anyone happen to know what this potion is more commonly called?” 

Lily Evans’ hand shot up into the air before he had even finished the sentence.

“Yes, Lily?” 

“Love potion, Sir.” She said, smiling. “The most powerful one in existence.” 

“Indeed.” He replied. “Now this is, of course, an oversimplification. But still, not untrue. The potion, when drunk, will create the feeling of love and overwhelming affection. Of course, actual love is an unthinkably complex concept and is therefore not replicable itself. But, that being said, one who is under the influence of Amortentia would be quite unable to tell the difference.” 

“Is it true sir,” Marlene McKinnon raised her hand as she spoke, “that the potion smells different to every person?” 

“It is.” Slughorn said, smiling in a satisfied sort of way. “It’s said that the potion takes on the smell of the things that are most appealing to the person who is smelling it. Fascinating really. If you’d all turn to page four hundred and seventeen in your textbooks, you should find the instructions. Off you go now.” 

There was a lot of rustling as each student flicked through their textbooks, followed by a collective silence as they all read the instructions thoroughly. 

Tallulah busied herself with the work, eager to move around as much as possible to warm herself up. She was also grateful for any activity which distracted her enough that she wasn’t constantly thinking about Remus, and the questionable decision she had made a week ago. As she added the last few ingredients to her potion, she became lost in thought once again. 

Why had she kissed him? No matter how many times she asked herself the question, she just couldn’t seem to come up with an answer. It would hardly surprise anyone to know this, but Tallulah wasn’t exactly prone to sudden outbursts of physical affection. And yet, standing in that darkened corridor at half past twelve in the morning, she had been certain of the fact that she wanted to kiss him. 

Perhaps she’d spent too long examining his face over the Christmas holidays, become too fond of his warm eyes and kind smile. It was true that these days he occupied her thoughts more than she cared to admit. Another thing she would never confess was that she missed his company. More than that, she missed  _ him. _ If she concentrated hard enough, she could picture him now. Hunched over a table in the library, poring over a book and absentmindedly playing with loose threads on his oversized jumper. 

Staring blankly at the wall as she stirred, she allowed herself to slip back into her memories of New Years Eve. The softness in his voice when he had apologised to her, his warm breath on her face right before she had touched her lips to his. If she cast her mind back, Tallulah couldn’t recall even once noticing anyone else’s smell before. But she could imagine Remus’ now, standing in the freezing cold dungeon, surrounded by her classmates. A gorgeous warm, sweet scent that reminded her ever so slightly of Honeydukes’ finest chocolate. It was probably because he ate so much of the damn stuff. Refocusing her eyes, she became vaguely aware of Professor Slughorn talking somewhere in her peripheral vision. 

“And you, Miss Selwyn?” 

Hearing her own name, she snapped back to reality and saw that the whole class was looking at her. 

“I- sorry?” She asked, turning pink. 

“What is it that you smell?” Slughorn asked, looking amused. 

“Oh. Umm.” Tallulah leaned over her cauldron and inhaled, her eyes widened as the fumes from the potion wafted up into her nose. Scrambling for an answer, she hesitated. 

_ She’s so weird, it’s like she’s in a world of her own.  _ She heard the boy next to her think. 

“Roses.” She finally managed to mumble, hiding behind her textbook to try and hide her slightly flushed cheeks. 

“Ah, lovely.” Slughorn said, though Tallulah could hear his thoughts loud and clear. 

_ Dear me, if you’re going to lie, at least make it convincing.  _

The truth was that Tallulah had been able to imagine Remus’s smell so vividly because it had been emanating from the contents of her cauldron. It seemed that she missed him even more than she had realised. 

***

If anyone had ever asked Tallulah to describe herself (not that anybody ever had), she might have said she was intelligent, shy, pensive. But one word she would never have used to describe herself was cowardly. Overall, Tallulah had never thought of herself as being especially courageous, but she certainly didn’t think she was a coward. However, as she stood at the back of The Great Hall that lunchtime, willing herself to walk over to the Gryffindor table, she realised she must be. 

What was it about the tall, slightly hunched figure of Remus Lupin that was making her feel so nervous? Of course, anyone who was slightly less emotionally stunted than she was may have been able to tell her the reason. But, unfortunately, her only friend was just as emotionally unavailable as she was. Furthermore, she could hardly ask Remus about her feelings for Remus. That rather defeated the point. 

Halfway down the Gryffindor table, The Marauders were being treated to an especially enthusiastic recount of last night’s Quidditch training session. 

“And then, then,  _ then…”  _ James said, spitting more pie out of his mouth every time he enunciated. “Donaldson, you know Donaldson?”

“Yes, we’re quite familiar with the only Gryffindor Seeker Prongs.” Sirius deadpanned, flicking some pastry off his face. 

“Anyway, she caught the snitch in three seconds flat.” James continued, ignoring his friend. “I’m not kidding,  _ three seconds flat.  _ She’s good, her. Haven’t seen a Seeker like her in quite some time.” 

“I better watch out, it looks like I might have some competition.” Lily said to Marlene, giggling.

Remus smirked across the table at Lily and Marlene. They had all known James for long enough now to know that it was best to just let him ramble on once he got going. Looking down into his mug of tea, he found his mind wandering, as it did so often these days, back to New Years Eve. He could still hear James babbling somewhere in the distance, but he was too busy picturing Tallulah’s face after she had kissed him to listen. 

He tried not to let himself think about her too much, but he was almost always unsuccessful. He slipped his battered notebook out of his pocket and began to write. 

_ Darling _

_ kiss me like you need  _

_ to feel safe  _

_ Because my lips want to know _

_ all the places  _

_ you have been hurt _

_ So they can make all the pain  _

_ drift away _

_ Lay with me  _

_ til the sun dries up and the moon gives up _

_ Kiss me  _

_ til we get lost in space  _

_ and  _

_ hold me _

_ Til the clocks run out of time  _

“Remus.” 

He felt as if a lead weight had been dropped into his stomach and immediately snapped the book shut. Looking up to see an amused expression on Sirius’ face, he turned around. 

“Hi, Tallulah.” He said, feeling the heat begin to rise in his face. 

She looked apprehensive, Remus wondered if she had seen what he was writing over his shoulder. He felt sick at the thought. If he wasn’t so paranoid, he would have been able to tell that she was just nervous. 

“Umm,” She hesitated, noticing the smirks on each of his friends’ faces and inwardly cringing. “I’ve got your Herbology book.” 

“Sorry?” Remus asked, she was speaking so quietly that he was struggling to hear her. He wondered if she was aware of how soft spoken she was. 

She held out the large text book. Stroking the spine distractedly with her index finger. 

“You left it in the library.” She said lamely.

“Oh!” He hadn’t even realised the book was missing, he had been far too distracted recently to notice something as trivial as a misplaced textbook. “Thank you.” 

She smiled at him, only slightly but it was still enough to send him spiralling. She turned to walk away when Lily spoke. 

“Would you like to have lunch with us Tallulah?” She asked, smiling brightly at her.

Tallulah was caught off guard, she’d never even had a full conversation with Lily. Why the sudden friendliness? Although, she had seen into her classmate’s head enough times to know that there would be no malicious intent. Lily Evans was as good natured and kind as they came. 

“Umm…” She looked uncertainly at Remus, who shrugged. 

“You’re welcome to, if you’d like.” He said.

“Uhh, sure.” She said, giving Lily a small smile as she sat down in the space next to Remus.    


“ So, are we all set for Friday night?” James asked Sirius with mischief in his eyes. 

“Sure are.” Sirius said, with a strikingly similar look in his own. “I asked the Hufflepuff Quidditch team yesterday, which is everyone on the guest list I believe.” 

“Yeah, oh!” James turned to face Tallulah, who had absolutely no clue what they were talking about. “Unless you’d like to come?” 

“Come..?” Tallulah said, completely lost. 

“To the party we’re having on Friday.” Sirius said. 

“Oh, no it’s okay.” Tallulah mumbled. “Parties, they’re not really my scene.” 

“No come on it’ll be fun!” Peter protested. “We’re getting a ton of Firewhiskey in from The Hogs Head!” 

“I-” 

“Yeah, come on Selwyn. It’ll be a laugh.” James insisted. 

“It should be quite a good night.” Remus said quietly beside her. “You don’t have to though, if you don’t want to.” 

“Well, I won’t know anyone will I?” Tallulah asked blankly. 

“You know us, don’t you?” Sirius said, looking amused. 

“I mean, yes.” She replied, feeling stupid. 

“Well then it’s settled, you’re coming.” Marlene spoke for the first time since Tallulah had approached the table. She was smiling at Tallulah. “And we’re in the same house so we can go together!” 

“Okay.” Tallulah said, returning Marlene’s grin with a small smile of her own. “Where…” 

“You let us worry about the how and the when and the where of it all.” James said importantly. “Just bring yourself.” 

Tallulah spooned some pasta onto her plate and picked at it for the duration of the meal while the others chatted excitedly about the party. They discussed who would be going with who, what music they would play, how they would get everyone in and out without being seen. Tallulah did find herself wondering how on earth they were planning to do this, since from the sounds of things, Sirius had invited almost every seventh year. 

“So, Marls.” Sirius said, fixing Marlene with an intense stare. “I heard you’ve got a new hot young thing.” 

“Are you referring to yourself?” James asked, looking amused. 

“No, although I do fit that description so I can see why you’d be confused.” Sirius said. “I’m talking about the Hufflepuff who won’t stop staring at you.” 

Tallulah followed his gaze to the Hufflepuff table where, sure enough, a pretty Hufflepuff girl was smiling at Marlene. Tallulah was close enough to the girl that she could feel the waves of infatuation coming off her and she played with a strand of dark hair that had fallen out of the space buns on her head. They were so strong that Tallulah almost felt for a second as if she also had a crush on Marlene. 

“Oh, finally locked that one down did you?” Lily asked, looking impressed. 

“Hoping to at the party, it’s been bloody long enough.” Marlene said, shooting a flirtatious smile back at the girl, who blushed and looked away. 

“Long enough?” Remus asked, laughing. “It’s been less than a month!” 

“So?” Marlene replied defiantly. “I’m not exactly used to girls playing hard to get. I had enough of that with him!” She pointed at Sirius, who was laughing. 

“Well, you know.” Sirius shrugged. “If you’re feeling a bit pent up, I could always help you out..” He wiggled his eyebrows at Marlene, who rolled her eyes. 

“Piss off.” She stood up and stuck her tongue out at him. “You coming to Transfiguration?” 

“Yeah.” Said James, Lily and Sirius together.

“What do you have now Moony?” Sirius asked. 

“Oh, erm..” Remus dug around in his bag, looking for his timetable. 

“We’ve got Astronomy.” Tallulah said to him. 

“Oh, right.” Remus said, trying and failing to suppress a smile. “Best set off too then.” 

“Have fu-un!” Sirius sang after them, earning himself a jab in the ribs from Lily. 

The pair made their way towards the Astronomy Tower in silence, both thinking about the last time they had been there. 

“Can I ask you something?” Remus said suddenly. 

“Sure…” She said, feeling apprehensive. 

“Did you mean to kiss me?” He refused to look at her. “Just, you looked like you wished you hadn’t.” 

“Oh.” She said simply, caught off guard by his boldness. “That’s not...I mean I don’t…” She trailed off. 

“Tallulah, are you aware that you make absolutely no sense almost all of the time?” He said, smirking. 

She knew this was true. It was sometimes hard for her to remember that not everybody could read minds, and therefore not everyone could follow her train of thought as easily as she could follow others’. There were a few more seconds of silence before she spoke again, choosing her words carefully. 

“I didn’t know I was going to do it.” She said as they sat down at their desk. 

“Right…” Remus said uncertainly. 

“Well I don’t usually do or say things without thinking about it a lot first, until…” She trailed off again. She was miles outside of her comfort zone, but that wasn’t unusual when she was talking to Remus. 

“Until what?” 

“Well, until you.” She said, ducking down to put her bag on the floor and hide her flushed cheeks. 

“Okay.” Remus said, taken aback. “So is that a good thing or a bad thing then?” 

“I haven’t decided yet Remus.” She replied.

Their conversation was cut short as Professor Sinistra came sweeping into the classroom and the lesson began. It had been almost twenty minutes before Tallulah realised that their hands were right next to each other on the desk. Practically touching, just as they had been by the lake last term. Reminding herself that she wasn’t a coward, she once again lifted up her pinky finger and linked it with his. 

Both blushing slightly, the two teenagers smiled at each other. 


	9. The Room of Requirement

As the week wore on, Tallulah felt sicker and sicker at the prospect of the ever-looming party. It didn’t help that every time she saw Marlene or Lily she was bombarded with questions such as ‘are you excited?’ and ‘have you chosen an outfit yet?’ 

If Tallulah was in any way outspoken, she probably would have told them both that no, she wasn’t excited, in fact even thinking about the party made her insides churn. And as for the other question, Tallulah had never been to a party at Hogwarts. Or, as a matter of fact, ever been to a party full stop. So she couldn’t even begin to imagine what you were supposed to wear to one. She had fretted all week about what was acceptable attire. 

But her anxiety, at least all the anxiety about clothes, had been quietened a little when Marlene showed her what she would be wearing. Nothing too fancy, just a pair of jeans and a flowy red blouse. Despite the relative simplicity of the outfit, Tallulah couldn’t help but notice how fantastic Marlene looked in it. Looking down at her own outfit, she felt suddenly self conscious. She supposed that her simple jumper and skirt weren’t so bad, but there was no point pretending that she carried them off even half as well as Marlene could. It wasn’t that Tallulah thought of herself as ugly, but she knew she didn’t hold a candle to Marlene, who was undeniably gorgeous. 

“What’s wrong?” Marlene asked, unwinding a strand of hair from around her wand and letting it fall in a perfect curl. 

“What?” Tallulah said. 

“You look like you’re upset about something.” Marlene replied. 

“Oh, no I’m fine I just…” Tallulah hesitated, embarrassed. “I don’t like my outfit.” 

“Oh really?!” Marlene exclaimed. “I think you look cute! I love your skirt, I can’t get away with things like that.” 

Tallulah just shrugged and ducked her head slightly to hide the blush that was creeping across her cheeks. She didn’t respond well to compliments. 

“Well, if you really want to change, you could borrow something of mine.” Marlene offered, hopping over the bed and rifling through her drawers. 

“Oh, no.” Tallulah said hurriedly. “I doubt we wear the same size, Marlene.” 

“Don’t be silly.” Marlene said dismissively, chucking a dress at Tallulah. “Here, try this on.” 

Tallulah held the dress up, it was the same floaty material as Marlene’s blouse but was black and covered in tiny green and white flowers, with a little white collar at the top. It probably would have come to just above her knees, but that wasn’t the length she was worried about. It was short sleeved. 

“Oh, I don’t think this is really my style.” She said, floundering for an excuse. “I don’t usually wear short sleeves I-” 

“Oh, sure. I’m always cold too.” Marlene cut across her. “Here, put this on top of it.” 

Tallulah raised her hands to catch the chunky cream cardigan Marlene had just tossed her way and smiled apprehensively before pulling the hangings of her bed shut. Wincing as she pulled off her jumper and the wool brushed the scar on her left arm, she bit her lip to stop herself from making any noise. 

“How does it look?” Marlene asked from the other side of the room. She sounded very much like she was trying to speak and apply lipstick at the same time. 

“Umm...” Tallulah said as she pulled the dress over her head and struggled with the zip. 

In a hurry to get out of the confined space, which was becoming rather warm as she moved around awkwardly on the bed in an attempt to wiggle in and out of her clothes, she pulled on the cardigan and yanked back the hangings, brushing a few strands of hair off her slightly damp forehead. 

“Oh, wow!” Marlene said as she looked Tallulah up and down. 

“Is it bad?” Tallulah asked, shifting uncomfortably on the spot. 

“Bad?” Marlene gasped. “You look amazing! You’ve got a cracking little figure Tallulah.” 

“Oh, um, thanks.” Tallulah said, blushing furiously. 

“No problem, we should probably get going though.” Marlene glanced at the silver clock which hung on the wall of their dormitory. “I said we would meet Dorcas in the common room at nine. She got ready in the other seventh year dormitory with Lucinda and Florence.” 

Tallulah knew these girls too, a pair of Ravenclaws in her Transfiguration class. On the odd occasion that she had heard their thoughts, they hadn’t had a single nice thing to think about her. She wondered if this was why Dorcas had chosen to get ready with them instead of Marlene. Shaking this rather self-centred thought out of her head, she followed Marlene down to the common room. Sure enough, Dorcas was standing by the fireplace, looking stunningly pretty as usual. She greeted Marlene with a hug and gave Tallulah a small smile, though it looked rather forced. Tallulah suspected that Dorcas was on strict orders from Marlene to be on her best behaviour. She was flanked by Florence and Lucinda, who clearly had been given no such instruction as they looked straight through Tallulah as if she wasn’t there at all. Which suited Tallulah just fine. 

As they made their way along the darkened corridors, they all became aware of the number of teachers patrolling the corridors. Several times they had to duck quickly into classrooms to avoid being caught by Professor Slughorn, whose enormous body moved much faster and more silently than they would have expected. While the group were pressed up against the door of a Transfiguration classroom, Tallulah took the opportunity to read his mind. One second of listening was all she needed to know that the teachers had, somehow, been tipped off about the party. Finally, they reached the fifth floor and Marlene signalled for them to stop. Putting her finger to her lips, she closed her eyes and walked past the seemingly blank patch of wall three times. She was obviously concentrating very hard on something, and soon it was apparent what, because the very same wall had suddenly changed. Instead of being featureless, there was now a large wooden door there, one that certainly had not been there before. Without warning, it swung open ever so slightly and the dark, bespectacled head of James Potter appeared in the gap. He gestured for them to come inside and quickly shut the door behind them.

The noise that hit Tallulah once she entered the room was almost unbearable in comparison to the silent corridor. Not only the music blaring out of the Gramophone in the corner or the laughter and chatter coming from the dozens of students in the room. But the overwhelming din of drunk thoughts. It was even worse than it had been in The Three Broomsticks, because these teenagers were far more inebriated than any of the punters had been. Tallulah felt a little bit dizzy, and was only able to concentrate on Marlene’s voice for long enough to accept the drink that she was offering her and return what she hoped was a grateful smile. 

“Listen, I’m going to go over there and see Autumn.” She shouted over the music, nodding over to the dark haired Hufflepuff girl. “She’s giving me fuck-me eyes. Will you be alright by yourself for a bit?” 

Tallulah nodded and Marlene walked over to the girl with a flirtatious smile on her face. Now feeling rather awkward lingering by the door, Tallulah wandered over to the side of the room where there were less people and leaned against the wall, breathing deeply and sipping on her drink. Whatever it was that Marlene had given her, it was nice and helped her relax a little. She had been standing there for about five minutes when someone spoke next to her. 

“Enjoying yourself?” 

She turned to see Remus, leaning against the wall next to her. She wasn’t used to people being able to sneak up on her, as usually she had the ultimate advantage of being able to hear them thinking about it. 

“It’s alright.” She said with a small smile which she didn’t think was very convincing. 

“Yeah, you’re a bit out of your comfort zone aren’t you.” Remus laughed. 

“Slightly.” She admitted. “Why...” 

“Why what?” He asked as she trailed off.

“Well, why did your friends invite me?” She said, looking down. “I mean, they don’t even know me.” 

“Well we’re friends.” Remus said. “And any friend of mine is a friend of theirs too. That's just how it works I guess.” 

Tallulah didn’t know how to respond to that, so she just smiled and looked back out across the room. Dorcas, Lily and Alice were all dancing together in the middle of the room. Scanning the room for Marlene, she soon found her. Partially concealed in the corner with her arm around Autumn, whispering in her ear while Autumn giggled and blushed. 

“Would you like another drink?” Remus asked, making her jump. 

“Oh um…” Looking down at her empty cup, she realised she had finished her drink without even noticing. “Yes please.” 

Not even two seconds after Remus walked off towards the drinks table, Sirius grabbed her arm and smiled at her. 

“Come on!” He shouted, rather louder than was necessary. “Come and dance!” 

Whether he couldn’t hear her protests over the music, or just chose to ignore them, Tallulah was dragged into the middle of the dance floor and was soon surrounded by her fellow students. James Potter pointed his wand at the Gramophone and the volume increased further, so that all that could be heard was the wailing of electric guitar as the sounds of The Rolling Stones filled the room. James smiled at her and tried to encourage her to join in the dancing, but she simply smiled back politely and stood still, wishing she had something in her hands. Almost immediately after this thought occurred to her, she felt a tap on her shoulder, she turned around and was presented with a fresh drink and Remus’ face, which looked both surprised and amused. 

“I didn’t think you were the dancing type?” He shouted in her ear. Tallulah tried to ignore how nice his breath felt on her face. 

“I was coerced!” She said back, pointing at James, Peter and Sirius who were dancing next to her.

“Come on Moony!” Peter yelled. 

Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him into the circle. Looking slightly exasperated, but certainly not annoyed, Remus danced with them. Tallulah realised now that she didn’t know how to dance, so settled for just swaying somewhat awkwardly to the beat of the music. Eventually, as she was handed drink after drink, Tallulah lost track of time and even started to feel less self conscious. At some point, Marlene and Autumn joined the group and Lily, Alice, Dorcas and Marlene took it in turns spinning each other around wildly to the music. However, once the music slowed and quietened a little, Tallulah took it as her cue to leave the dance floor. 

Leaning against the wall once again, she let out a sigh. She had to admit, it felt nice to just have fun, and not worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. But now that the music wasn’t as loud she was once again more aware of peoples’ thoughts around her. She had a feeling that she had done enough socialising for one night. She felt Remus come and stand beside her again and, without even thinking, slipped her hand into his. Maybe she should drink more often, it made her braver. 

Remus’ heart was beating so hard and fast that he felt as if it might explode out of his chest at any moment. The second that her skin touched his, he was forcibly reminded of the way her lips had done the same on New Year's Day. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t understand what the protocol was now. I mean, they had kissed once, and barely spoken about it after. They were friends, but he wanted more. And she had kissed him, so surely that meant she wanted more too. Or did it? To say that Tallulah Selwyn was hard to read would be an understatement, and he was exhausted from trying to figure out what went on inside her beautiful, complicated mind. 

Gazing out across the dancefloor, still painfully aware of her hand in his, he tried to think about anything else. Sirius was standing on the other side of the room, not looking at him. He was instead flirting outrageously with Florence, fixing her with an intense grey stare and stroking her arm as she giggled and flicked her long, sandy brown hair over her shoulder. 

His eyes came to rest instead on a couple in the middle of the room who were swaying slowly to the music, arms wrapped tightly around each other. He noted the way in which James Potter's eyes fluttered closed as the couple moved, a lazy smile spreading across his face. And the way Lily Evans would look at him; as if they were the only two people in the world. Remus knew that in that moment, for them at least, they were. 

Beside him, he heard Tallulah yawn. 

“Tired?” He asked her, once again very aware of the shivers travelling up his left arm from their entwined fingers. 

“A little bit.” She admitted with another yawn. 

“Come on.” He said, reluctantly dropping her hand to reach into his pocket and grab a piece of parchment. “I’ll walk you back to Ravenclaw Tower.” 

“Don’t you need to say goodbye to your friends?” Tallulah asked as she followed him to the door. 

“Peter left a while ago, and I think James and Sirius are kind of busy.” Remus said with a laugh. 

Sure enough, when she looked back at the much emptier room, James and Sirius were both looking pretty distracted. In fact, she could barely see Sirius. Since he had retreated into a corner with Florence and was now masked almost completely by her sheet of brown hair as they seemed to be exploring the deepest regions of each others’ mouths. 

Once they had stepped out into the corridor, shutting the door noiselessly behind them, Remus consulted the parchment in his hand. Tallulah didn’t bother asking what it was, she had known about The Marauder’s Map since its creation. It was all James, Sirius and Peter had been able to think about for almost all of fifth year. 

“This way.” Remus whispered, gesturing for Tallulah to follow him up a flight of stairs and along the sixth floor corridor. 

They scurried silently along corridors and up staircases, trying their best not to wake any of the sleeping figures in the paintings on the walls. The hallways seemed to be deserted, much safer than their journey to the party. But suddenly, without any warning, Remus grabbed Tallulah’s hand and pulled her inside an empty classroom. They flattened themselves against the wall as the tiny figure labelled _‘Mrs Norris’_ moved past the door that they were hiding behind. 

“Do you do this a lot then?” Tallulah whispered, once the cat was safely out of earshot. 

“You could say that.” He said back. 

He sounded a little out of breath. If Tallulah could read his mind she would have known that his breathlessness was nothing to do with their narrow escape, and everything to do with how they were standing. In their haste to get out of sight, Tallulah had ended up pressed against him behind the door, so closely that he could feel her hair tickling his nose. Additionally, he had never let go of her hand. She seemed to have noticed their intimate position now too, because she was looking up at him in a way that made him feel ever shorter of breath. 

“We should probably um…” He pointed towards the door, fearing that his self control could desert him if he had to stare down into her perfect face for even a second longer. 

They slipped silently out of the classroom and made it back up to Ravenclaw Tower without incident. But when they made it to the wooden door she stopped and fixed him with the same look she had been giving him in the classroom five minutes prior. 

“What are you thinking?” He asked, trying to ignore the fact that his heartbeat was, once again, rapidly increasing. 

“Oh.” She was shocked by his question. “Well, ummm…” 

“No, don’t do that.” Remus said. 

“Do what?” 

“Edit yourself, you said you don’t have to do that with me.” He smiled at her. She was once again taken aback by the way his brown eyes seemed to change colour when he smiled, becoming even warmer. 

“Okay…” She hesitated slightly. “I was thinking that I’d like to kiss you again.” 

Remus swore in that moment that his heart stopped beating altogether, he forgot how to breathe. But he could almost hear Sirius’ voice in his head. 

_ Just kiss her! She’s asking you to! Do it you big fanny! _

“Well, I do rather think it’s my turn now actually.” He said, trying to sound confident as he moved a strand of hair off her face and tucked it behind her ear. 

Tallulah didn’t know where to put herself. It was a simple gesture, but it felt so tender and intimate. Especially when his hand trailed from her ear down to her chin, leaving the skin on her jaw tingling where he had touched it. She looked at him as he gently lifted her chin up and lightly touched his lips to hers. It wasn’t as light as the kiss that had happened in this very same spot just a few weeks before, but still over in a second. When they pulled away, they both realised that they were breathing slightly heavier than usual. 

“Goodnight Tallulah.” Remus said, with his hand still on her chin. He was gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. She doubted that he was even aware of doing it. 

“Goodnight Remus.” She replied. 

And though they both knew that night had to end at some point, both felt reluctant to let it.


	10. Oops, Again!

It was Saturday morning and all over the castle, Hogwarts students were waking up with splitting headaches, high anxiety and little to no memory of the night before. Unfortunately for Tallulah, she wasn’t one of them. She could remember, in painfully vivid detail, everything she had said and done last night. Rolling onto her back and putting her hands over her face, she groaned quietly. Why had she kissed him again? Well, to be fair, he had kissed her. But to be even more fair, she had asked him to. 

If she put her mind to it, and she had been, she couldn’t think of a single reason why she kept being taken over by the irresistible urge to plant her lips on Remus Lupin’s. As someone who had spent her entire life exercising complete control over her emotions, it was a very disturbing feeling to be governed by  _ them _ for a change. She kept thinking that she needed to distance herself from Remus, that he wasn’t good for her. But somehow, every time she saw him she forgot about this resolution. 

Across the castle, four Gryffindors were waking up (feeling a little worse for wear) and discussing the night before in hushed tones. 

“She kissed you?” Sirius whispered. “Again?” 

“Again?!” James and Peter exclaimed in unison, earning themselves a glare from Sirius. 

“Will you shut  _ up? _ ” He said, gritting his teeth. “You’re going to wake him up.” 

“Well, he is going to wake up eventually, Pads.” James said, eyeing the Slytherin sleeping soundly in Sirius’ bed. 

“Yeah, so? Doesn’t mean I have to be here when he does.” Sirius replied, shifting slightly in his spot at the end of James’ bed. 

“Well should we maybe vacate to the common room so that we can talk properly then?” Peter asked. 

With murmurs of agreement, the group made their way to the common room. Carrying pillows and blankets with them, James and Sirius each curled up in an armchair while Remus sprawled across the sofa. 

“I thought for sure you were going to end up bringing that Ravenclaw girl back.” James said, massaging his temples. 

“Oh, Florence?” Sirius said. “Yeah it felt like a sure thing too but then her annoying friend, whatshername with the red hair...” 

“You better not be referring to my girlfriend.” James said sharply. 

“No you idiot.” Sirius clicked his fingers, searching for the name. “Always whining about something, has a face like a slapped arse.” 

“Lucinda.” Remus mumbled from under his blanket. 

“Yes!” Sirius shouted, making Peter and James wince. “Yeah, she came up to her all teary for some reason or another, so Florence had to go and comfort her. I’m kind of glad to be honest, I could tell she was going to be needy.” 

“Ever the gentleman, Padfoot.” James deadpanned. “So, tell us about Tallulah then.” He turned back to Remus, whose face had gone from being rather pale to bright red. 

“Oh well...we kissed.” He shrugged noncommittally. 

“Oh you...kissed.” Sirius said, mimicking Remus’ shrug. “Way to big it up Moony.” 

“But you’ve kissed before?” Peter asked from his pile of pillows on the floor.

“Yeah, why didn’t we know this?” James said incredulously. “I feel like we  _ should  _ have known this!” 

“We only kissed once, and then she acted like it hadn’t happened. So I don’t know, I guessed it wasn’t a big deal.” 

“Ohhh yeah Moony, the fact that you  _ finally  _ locked lips with the girl you’ve been obsessing over since first year isn’t a big deal at all.” Sirius joked. 

“Yeah, and how come we didn’t get told but Padfoot did. What’s so special about him?!” James asked, fixing Remus with an accusatory glare. 

“Nothing’s special about him-” 

“Oi!” 

“He was just the first person I saw after Christmas.” Remus continued, ignoring Sirius’ exclamation. “I had to tell someone, it was driving me crazy.” 

“So...what now then?” Peter asked. “Does she want you to ask her out or what?” 

Remus shrugged again and looked resignedly at his friends. 

“Your guess is as good as mine.” He sighed. 

***

It had been three days since the party. Three days during which Remus had been plagued with incessant questions about Tallulah Selwyn. 

“So, are you going to stop being such a wuss and just ask her out then?” James asked for what must have been the twentieth time that morning. 

“No.” Remus said flatly, concentrating as hard as he could on his breakfast; which was looking less appealing by the second. 

“But why not?” Sirius pestered. “She kissed you once, she asked you to kiss her again…” 

“She clearly fancies you…” James interjected. 

“I mean, she’s only human…” Sirius continued. 

“So just ask her out!” They finished in unison. 

“Be honest, did you two rehearse that?” Lily asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“No.” James said. “We’re just so in sync.” 

“Exactly.” Sirius jutted his chin out defiantly. “It’s called having  _ chemistry. _ ” 

“Don’t make it weird mate.” James shot back, winking. 

Remus, just glad that the conversation had veered away from his love life (or lack thereof), glanced across the hall at the Ravenclaw table. Tallulah was sitting with Marlene. She wasn’t speaking much, but seemed content enough. He hadn’t spoken to her since Friday night, maybe he  _ was _ a wuss. Just then, as if she could sense him looking at her, her eyes darted across to the Gryffindor table and they looked at each other. Not knowing what to do, he smiled somewhat awkwardly and went back to picking at his breakfast. 

“If you could stop making eyes at your girlfriend for ten seconds, Moony.” Sirius said. “We’re having a very important discussion here.” 

Remus sighed and raised his eyebrows at Sirius. 

“Yes?” He asked. 

“Bad decision.” Peter said. 

“So.” Sirius said, ignoring him. “If you had to choose one of us to sleep with…”

“Oh god.” Remus groaned, putting his face in his hands. 

“Well it would obviously be me right?” James said. “I’m rich, I’m funny and I’m attractive. Not to mention I’m captain of the Quidditch team. I mean, I’m a catch! Right Lil?” 

“Actually, right now I’m struggling to remember why I fancy you at all.” Lily said, not looking up from her copy of The Daily Prophet. 

“Anyway it would clearly be me.” Sirius interjected. “Gorgeous, intelligent, romantic. And just look at these long luscious locks, who could resist them?” He threw his hair over his shoulder and winked at Remus. 

“Yeah Pads, you’re dead romantic. Tell that to the Slytherin you left in your bed on Saturday.” Remus said dryly. 

“Like you’re allowed to talk about romance when you’re too scared to even ask Selwyn out!” Sirius shot back. 

“He’s got a point there Moony.” Peter said. 

Remus rolled his eyes and looked back over to the Ravenclaw table. Tallulah wasn’t there anymore, he assumed she had set off for her first lesson early. 

“Moony, you haven’t answered our question!” Sirius jutted his chin out defiantly. “Me or Prongs?” 

“How about you both meet me in the dormitory after lunch and I’ll show you  _ both  _ a good time.” Remus said with a chuckle, standing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder. 

Sirius, James and Peter all hooted with laughter. 

“I’m going to Charms, are you coming Lily?” 

“Yeah, one second.” She replied, leaning in to give James a kiss before she grabbed her bag.

“Maybe _you_ should meet me in the dormitory after lunch.” He muttered with a grin. 

“Maybe I will.” She whispered, with a wicked smile of her own. 

***

Tallulah was sitting at her desk in the Transfiguration classroom. She was staring, as she so often was, into space and thinking about nothing in particular. During her years at Hogwarts she had become particularly skilled at emptying her mind of all thoughts; it was an absolute must for a Legilimens in a school full of unkind thoughts. Hearing purposeful footsteps somewhere in her peripheral and assuming Professor McGonagall was about to begin the lesson, she pulled herself out of her thoughtless stupor and turned to the front of the classroom. But her eyes were not met with the sight of her Transfiguration teacher, but something much more ominous. 

“Hello, Tallulah.” came the silky voice of her older brother. 

“Tarquin.” She simply replied, unable to comprehend what her brother would be doing at Hogwarts. Since he had graduated a year previously. 

They maintained eye contact for a few more seconds before she looked back down at her desk. She hadn’t spoken to Tarquin for over a year, not since she had been given The Dark Mark two Christmases ago. He had been there, of course, and had one to match. Although, he had asked for his. She hoped that nobody else in the classroom had picked up on the icy animosity radiating from him. But, right on cue, she heard a loud whisper to her right. 

“Would you look at that?” Lucinda said to Dorcas. “Even her own brother doesn’t want to be seen speaking to her!” 

“How embarrassing.” Florence chimed in. 

“Though, I can understand it.” Lucinda continued, her voice laced with venom. “I mean if  _ that  _ was my sister I’d be mortified.” 

Turning her head slightly, Tallulah could see a malicious grin plastered across Dorcas’ face. When she looked back up at Tarquin, his expression was almost identical. 

This had been happening for a few days, ever since the party. Seeing the group’s acceptance of Tallulah had clearly been enough to tip the three Ravenclaws’ feelings towards Tallulah from mild dislike to intense hatred. Dorcas never made any nasty comments herself, presumably fearing Marlene’s wrath if they got back to her somehow. But she certainly didn’t try to stop Lucinda and Florence, or hide how much she enjoyed their tormenting. 

“Good morning class.” Said Professor McGonagall from the front of the classroom. “As I am sure you are all aware, your time at Hogwarts will soon be coming to an end.” 

There was a murmur of assent from the class. 

“It is important during this period that you take the time to carefully consider your career options.” She continued. “Finding a career that is within your abilities, but also brings you enjoyment, is the best way in which you can utilise the skills we at Hogwarts have taught you.” 

For some reason, Tarquin shot Tallulah a nasty look at this. Looking into her brother’s mind wasn’t something she made a habit of, but she allowed herself to for just a second. 

_ But you’ve got some special skills of your own haven’t you, Loopy Lullah?  _

He could tell by the look on her face that she had heard him, and his handsome features settled back into their previous calm expression. 

“Mr Selwyn here works at the Ministry. Which is a career path that many of you may find suitable.” McGonagall said. “Hence why I have asked him to come in and be the first of many ex-students to talk to you all about potential career paths. Please Mr Selwyn, the floor is yours.” 

She stepped back and sat down at her desk, peering keenly at the class over her spectacles to make sure that they were all listening. But she needn’t have bothered. Once Tarquin told them his job title, everyone was hanging onto his every word. Everyone that is, except Tallulah. 

“Hello everyone.” He spoke clearly, but Tallulah was sure she could still hear the same taunting edge to his voice that she was so familiar with. “I’m Tarquin Selwyn, and I am an Unspeakable.” 

There was an appreciative murmur from the class, but Tallulah didn’t join in. She knew exactly why her brother worked in The Department Of Mysteries. And she knew that, unfortunately for The Ministry, the memory charm they cast on him at the end of every shift wasn’t quite as effective as they thought it was. 

Tallulah had been there last summer, through all the meticulous scheming and planning. She hadn’t been invited to any of the meetings of course. But she had been able to hear their thoughts through the walls. Always begging the same question. How do we make someone immune to the Obliviate spell? 

After all, it was all well and good having a Death Eater working in The Department of Mysteries. But what use is a spy who can’t remember anything once they’ve left the building? After months of secret meetings and hushed conversations at the dinner table, the plan had been laid. The trick to an ineffective memory charm? Make sure that the person casting it is in on the secret. 

It was simple in essence really, plant a number of Voldemort’s followers at The Ministry. All placed strategically in different positions, all with various levels of power. Once you’ve introduced enough people into the operation that are on your side, you can basically get away with anything. Tarquin was able to go about his day to day business, collecting information for his Dark Lord. And at the end of the day, another Death Eater would cast a counterfeit memory charm on him and he would be allowed to leave The Ministry, his head still full of government secrets. Oh yes, The Ministry Of Magic had been infiltrated. In ways that even the most paranoid amongst wizards could never have imagined. 

Drowning out her brother’s voice with the deafening silence inside her head once more, Tallulah rested her chin in her hand and stared out of the window, imagining that she was anywhere else. Only once the dim sound of scraping chairs told her that the lesson was over, did she allow herself to be pulled back into reality. She knew that her brother was still standing at the front of the classroom, but refused to even acknowledge his presence. She simply swept her books into her bag and walked out of the classroom as quickly as she could. 

It seemed as though a little reprieve was too much to ask for however. Because as soon as she stepped out into the corridor the harsh, nasal voice belonging to Lucinda hit her ears like a very high pitched whistle. 

“Hey Selwyn! Didn’t you want to stick around and have a chat with your brother?” She shouted. 

“Yeah!” Florence joined in. “You must have  _ loads  _ to catch up on! I heard you don’t even speak to your family these days!” 

“Did you see his face when he saw her?” Lucinda continued. “He looked mortified. I mean you would be wouldn’t you?” 

The pair screeched with laughter, but Tallulah ignored them. She carried on walking purposefully towards the library. But, just as she thought the two girls might have gone on with the rest of her day and left her in peace, a tripping jinx hit her legs and she went hurtling down onto the concrete floor. She blinked dazedly for a second, having had all the wind knocked out of her. Then, just as she was about to stand up, she felt someone’s hand close around her upper arm. 

“Are you okay?” Came the warm, comforting voice of Remus Lupin from above her. He pulled her up off the ground and smiled at her. 

“I’m fine.” She mumbled, brushing the dust of her robes with her hands. 

He stooped down to pick up a few books which had fallen out of her bag as she fell and handed them to her. His expression was kind, but she could see a cold fury in his eyes that she wasn’t at all familiar with. 

“Thank you.” She whispered, very aware of the number of students who were still looking in their direction. 

“No problem.” He said. “I’m going to the library, if you’d like to come with me?” 

Tallulah smiled, she knew that he was offering her an escape plan. But he was far too polite to state outright that that was what he was doing. 

“I was just heading there myself, actually.” She replied. 

They set off towards the library together. If Tallulah had turned around just a second later than she did, she would have seen the withering look of disdain that he shot at the three Ravenclaws still standing a few feet away. Lucinda and Florence scowled right back, but Dorcas looked crestfallen. She opened her mouth, perhaps to apologise. But Remus had already turned and stalked away from her. 

“Are you sure that you’re okay?” Remus asked, once they had taken their usual seats in the corner of the library. 

“I’m fine.” Tallulah repeated, shrugging. “It’s nothing I haven’t heard before.” 

“They speak to you like that all the time?” Remus said, shocked. 

“Only recently.” Tallulah admitted, feeling cautious. “But, I mean, they’ve always been thinking those things.” 

“You don’t know that.” Remus said, clearly trying to spare her feelings. 

Tallulah took a deep breath, she wanted to tell Remus about her Legilimency. She had for a while now, but she couldn’t stand the idea of her only real friend suddenly being wary of her. On the other hand, she hated keeping this from him. It wasn’t a big deal, well it shouldn’t be. And it didn’t seem right to her that the only person who knew about her abilities was her brother, who she didn’t speak to. She was ready to share this part of herself with him, it was a feeling that she wasn’t quite used to. 

“Yes, I do.” She said plainly. “I really, really do.” 

She knew that he probably wouldn’t need much prompting, he was an intelligent person. She could see him putting things together in his head, almost see the wheels turning inside his brain. 

“I’m- I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying, Tallulah.” He said, with a degree of uncertainty. But she knew that he did. 

“I think that you do, Remus.” She said quietly. 

“Are you saying that you can hear what people are thinking?” He was looking at her warily and her heart began to sink. 

“Well, yes. Essentially.” She said, looking down at her knees. “I mean, I did tell you a while ago. I know what people think of me.” 

“I didn’t think you meant it literally.” He chuckled. 

They smiled at each other, and Tallulah started to relax a little. But suddenly, a look of barely suppressed horror spread across Remus’ face. 

“Wait.” He said, sounding panicked. “Does that mean that you can read my mind?!” 

His heart was racing, remembering all the times he had been thinking about her while she was in the room. All the times he’d stared at her in class, or imagined talking to her but not had the courage to. All the things he hadn’t been brave enough to say during conversations, all the times he had agonised over every word she had spoken to him. All the hundreds of times he had remembered the feeling of her lips on his. Had she been able to hear all of that? His entire body went cold at the thought. 

“No, actually.” She mumbled. “I’ve never been able to.” 

“Oh.” He said, his heart rate slowing slightly. “Why not?” 

She shrugged. 

“I’m not sure. I just can’t.” 

“Well, am I the only one?” He asked, feeling more confused by the second. 

“No, it’s happened a few times before. It usually means you have a secret.” She said, choosing her words carefully. “But I don’t care what it is anymore.” 

“Anymore?” Remus repeated dully. “So you did, at one point. You wanted to know what secrets I was hiding in this...impermeable head of mine?” 

“No!” She exclaimed. “I mean, not like that. I was just-” 

“Is that why you suddenly started talking to me this year?” He said, sounding affronted. 

“I was...intrigued.” Tallulah admitted. “But you’re misreading the situation.”

“No, see, I don’t think that I am.” Remus said, standing up. “You knew I had a crush on you right? I mean you can see into my friends’ heads.” 

“Well, yes.” She said. “But that’s not-” 

“And what?!” The cold fury Tallulah had seen in his eyes five minutes earlier had returned. “You thought that if you just gave me a bit of attention, the odd kiss here and there, that I would just spill my secrets to you?!” 

“No, no you’ve got it all wrong.” She said, standing up too and grabbing his arm as he turned to walk away from her. “I don’t know why I kissed you.” 

“Oh wow, thanks.” 

“That’s not what I meant.” She said, shaking her head furiously to try and organise her thoughts. 

“Do you like me?” He said quietly, moving back closer to her. “Because sometimes, I think that you do. But you…” 

“Of course I like you.” She answered, feeling bewildered at his question. “I mean, we’re friends aren’t we.” 

“That’s not what I meant.” He said, quieter still. 

“I know.” She said, aware that her hand was still on his arm. “But I can’t give you an answer to that question. 

“Was spending five months with me not enough for you to know?” He asked. 

“I-I love spending time with you.” She said, squeezing his arm slightly. “You know that.” 

“You still aren’t answering my question, Tallulah. You know how I feel about you, you’re not daft.” 

“I do.” She admitted, looking at the floor. 

She wanted so badly to say the words that he wanted to hear, but she couldn’t. Sadly, she knew that five months just wasn’t enough time to undo the damage caused by eighteen years inside her own head. 

“I can’t tell you what you need to hear, Remus.” She finally said, hanging her head. 

There were a few moments of total silence, during which neither could bear to look at the other. Finally, Remus spoke. 

“I think it’s probably best if we don’t spend time together anymore, Tallulah.”

He walked out of the library, and she let her hand fall away from his arm. Though he hadn’t shouted or sworn at her, she knew he was angry. But even worse, she knew that he was hurt. Tallulah had hurt the first person who had ever shown her an ounce of kindness. 

Perhaps she did deserve to be alone after all. 


	11. Motorbikes in the Moorlands

The rest of Tallulah’s time at Hogwarts was bearable, but empty. It was, as she had predicted, much harder to go back to being alone once she had experienced true friendship and companionship. Many times she thought about approaching Remus, apologising and asking for forgiveness. But each time she considered this, she ultimately decided against it. She had hurt him, and the least that she could do was leave him alone and let him heal. Besides, he was looking paler and sicker with every passing day. He hardly seemed like he needed any unnecessary stress. 

Tallulah would have taken the endless empty days at school over being home for the summer however. Knowing that she would once again be living with them indefinitely seemed to have made her parents hate her even more. Even the most powerful locking charms that Tallulah was able to master made precious little difference. And her mother’s poisonous words hurt almost as much as her father’s hexes and fists. So Tallulah found herself aimlessly wandering the moors near her house every single day. Every day she left very early in the morning, always carrying a book or two and her wand. She would stay out on the misty moorland for as long as she could, until long after dark. Hoping against hope that her parents would be asleep again by the time she got home. 

Truthfully, she was just counting down the days until her nineteenth birthday, when the large vault in her name at Gringotts would finally be made available to her. The account had been set up by her parents the day she was born, with the proviso that she would only be able to access it once she had finished her magical education. Tallulah had often thought that if her parents had known what a disappointment she was going to be, they mightn’t have ever bothered filling the vault at all. 

Although she resented the idea of using her family money, she did appreciate the poetic irony behind using her parents’ money to get away from them forever. And besides, it was only going to be used as bolt money, to get her out of there. Once she had her own place, she would be able to look for a job and support herself properly. 

She was on one of her lengthy walks one day, about three weeks into the summer holidays, when she heard a strange sound ringing across the moors. It wasn’t until the sound got louder that she realised what it was, it was the distinct screeching, ripping sound that was only made by the engine of a motorbike. As she turned to look at the thing, she noticed that the rider had long, black hair which was flying out behind them as they sped up the country lane. Without warning, the bike came to a sudden stop right in front of her. 

“Hey, Selwyn! I thought it was you.” Came Sirius Black’s voice from underneath the visor. “What are the chances?” 

Tallulah smiled for the first time in months. She couldn’t really explain the happy feeling that fizzed up in her stomach at seeing her old classmate. But she had spent so long on her own that she was starting to think she had imagined that she ever had any friends at all. 

“You look like hell.” He said, taking off his helmet and running his fingers through his hair. “No offence.” 

“Yeah.” Tallulah mumbled. “Well, you know.” 

She shrugged and tugged awkwardly at the collar of her jacket, hoping to hide some of the bruising around her neck. 

“Believe me, I get it.” Sirius said kindly. “Why don’t you hop on? I could get you something to eat? You’re skin and bone.” 

“Um, it’s okay.” She replied. “I don’t want to get in the way of your plans.” 

“I don’t have any, free as a bird! I was just out for a spin.” He said encouragingly, handing her a helmet. “Honestly, it’s no worries.” 

Abandoning her cautious pessimism, Tallulah strapped the helmet on and climbed somewhat awkwardly onto the motorcycle so that she was sitting behind Sirius. They set off, upsetting so much dust on the dry lane in their wake that it made Tallulah’s eyes water. Not entirely enjoying the feeling of being dragged across the countryside at high speed, she shut her eyes for the duration of the journey. She drifted back into her own mind, and only knew they had arrived at their destination when she felt the bike shudder to a halt beneath her. Dismounting as quickly as she could, and making a mental note to apparate home instead of catching a ride with Sirius, she followed him into the small cafe. 

“So, you’re a Legilimens then?” Sirius asked as soon as they sat down with their hot drinks. 

Tallulah exhaled sharply in amusement, he certainly wasn’t wasting any time. 

“Yes.” She simply replied, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. 

“So am I to assume you know all of my deep, dark secrets?” He said, his tone heavy with sarcasm. 

“I don’t make a habit of listening actually.” She said. “Legilimency is more of a curse than a gift when nobody has anything nice to think about you.” 

“Remus did.” Sirius shot back quickly. “Still does, in fact.” 

He looked at her pointedly, as if to say  _ your move.  _

“How is he?” Tallulah asked, after a few seconds of weighty silence. 

“Good, actually. He’s got his own place now. It’s at the top of that hill near here.” He paused, as if he wasn’t sure if he should be telling her. But quickly shrugged off his misgivings. “You know, by the bridge?” 

“Yeah, I know where you mean.” She said, smiling slightly. “Good for him.” 

There were a few more seconds of silence, punctuated only by the sound of them sipping their drinks. Sirius seemed to be looking intently at the dark haired waitress by the kitchen. Tallulah couldn’t quite tell if it was the fact that the waitress was very pretty, or the fact that Sirius was very hungry that was his motivation for staring. But she soon bustled over with a bowl of soup for Tallulah, and a burger for Sirius. 

“Thanks.” Sirius said, winking at the waitress who giggled and turned rather pink. 

“I really hurt him, didn’t I?” Tallulah finally said as Sirius tucked into his burger. 

Sirius took a while to finish his mouthful, and choose his answer carefully. 

“I think he thought you were interested in him.” He finally said. 

“I think I was.” She replied. 

“You think?” 

“Well,” She mused as she buttered bread and dipped it into her soup. “I’m not so good...with the feelings.”

“Believe me, I hear you.” Sirius said with a chuckle. “Well, how do you feel about him now?” 

“I miss him.” 

The words were out of Tallulah’s mouth before she even knew she was going to say them. But she knew that they were true, she missed Remus terribly. She couldn’t let herself think about him at all, because when she did it was like an ache in her chest. She missed the soothing, calm, warm feeling that only his company could provide. 

“I can tell that you care about him.” Sirius said, looking at her sympathetically. “So why didn’t you just try and fix things while we were still at school? It wouldn’t have taken much you know.” 

“Because I hurt him.” She said quietly. “And if I don’t speak to him, there’s no chance of me doing that again. He’s a good person, he doesn’t deserve that.” 

“He is a good person.” Sirius said, with more sincerity in his voice than Tallulah had ever heard. “But so are you. I can tell.” 

“You don’t even know me.” She replied with a smile. 

“Sure I do, we aren’t so different.” He said, returning her smile with one of his own. 

“What, you can read minds too?” She joked. 

The cafe was quieter now, almost empty. Sirius leaned across the table and spoke in a low voice. 

“So, I mean. You can’t read Remus’ mind then. What’s that all about?” He asked. 

“If I can’t get a good read on someone it usually means they’re hiding something. I guess I wanted to know at first, but I didn’t care. Not really.” She said. 

_ He’s a werewolf.  _

Tallulah could tell by the look of horror that flashed across Sirius’ face that he knew she had heard him. But she didn’t care, she was too preoccupied with the burning feeling in her throat, which was slowly creeping up her face. Her eyes prickled and, to her horror, she felt a tear fall onto her face. 

Tallulah rarely cried, and never in front of people. But the thought of Remus going through that alone? Feeling like he had to hide a part of himself away from the world? Being in pain and not being able to turn to anyone outside of his small circle for comfort? It was too much to bear. 

“I was trying really hard to guard my thoughts.” Sirius muttered, looking annoyed with himself. 

“You were doing well.” Tallulah said, wiping her eyes. “Until you started trying.” 

He shot her a confused look. 

“Well, I've never been able to hear you or any of the others thinking about it. I think that subconsciously you were trying to protect your friend's secret to the point where even your thoughts were protected.” Tallulah said, trying her best to verbalise something that she had never had to explain before. 

“What, like Occlumency?” Sirius asked, looking more confused still. “I don’t know how to do that.” 

“No, it's...complicated.” She hesitated, trying to collect her thoughts. “You think that thoughts are like speech, but the mind is infinitely more complicated than that. I'm able to hear whatever thoughts are passing through someone's head in that particular moment, yes. But if I want, I can also access feelings, memories, emotions. And all of that is more...subjective I guess, it's harder to interpret. If someone really wants a secret to stay a secret, they don't have to work too hard to stop others from finding it.” 

“Oh.” Sirius said blankly. “So it’s like...a defence mechanism?” 

“In a way, yes. A real secret will, by nature, hide itself away in the darkest corner of your consciousness.” She paused, taking in the awestruck look on Sirius’ face. “That's my experience of it anyway. But, like I said, I don't generally go looking in people's minds.”

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, she had never spoken to anyone about her Legilimency in this much detail. For some reason she felt exposed, like she was giving away some intimate part of herself. 

“How good are you at it?” Sirius finally asked. 

“Very.” She said with a smile. “It’s rare for someone to master Legilimency in the same way I have. It's because I was born like this.” 

“Is that common?” He asked. 

“Not particularly. Most Legilimens study it, and have to use an incantation. What I do is closer to what muggles would call mind reading. It's more intuitive than anything.” She said. 

“I see.” Sirius replied, sitting back in his chair and sighing. “So really, it’s quite ironic that people call you the ice queen. Since you’re essentially just an empath.” 

“The irony isn’t lost on me.” Tallulah replied with a wry smile. 

The pair then shared a lengthy silence, during which neither seemed to be able to think of anything to say to break it. Eventually Tallulah stood up and picked up her bag. 

“Anyway, I should probably get going. It’s dark and my parents should be in bed by now.” She said quickly, hoping he wouldn’t offer her another lift on his godforsaken motorcycle. 

“Oh, do you want a lift?” He asked, throwing some coins onto the table and standing up too. 

“I’m going to apparate, but thanks.” She said as she made her way towards the door.

She was almost out of the door when he spoke again. 

“It was really nice to see you, Selwyn.” 

“You too, Black.” 


	12. A Surprise Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW!!! - there is mention of physical/domestic abuse here, it's not too intense but PLEASE skip this chapter if it will trigger you. Be kind to yourselves!

“TALLULAH!!! Get downstairs NOW!!!” 

Tallulah looked in the mirror as her father bellowed up the stairs and sighed. Her brother was coming home today with his new fiance, which meant best behaviour. Best behaviour, in Tallulah’s case, meant: don’t speak if you can help it. And if you absolutely must talk, don’t say anything which could embarrass us. Taking one more deep breath, she set off down the long, wooden staircase; taking care to stow her wand safely in her pocket. 

Her parents were already standing in the entranceway when she got there. They were both standing unnaturally stiffly, as if they were bracing themselves for something disastrous to happen. Tallulah might have attributed this to her presence, but she knew that this was just how they looked all the time. Uptight, stiff, cold.

Tallulah knew that her mother had been beautiful at one time. She had seen photos of her with long, gold curls that tumbled down her back like a silky waterfall and rosy skin that seemed to glow when she smiled. Many people had said over the years that Tallulah and her mother bore an uncanny resemblance, but she couldn’t see it herself. She certainly couldn’t see any similarities between herself and the woman who stood before her now. The same blonde locks hung thin and lank around her face, and her skin almost looked grey. Even her eyes, which had been a striking bluish-green colour, now looked lifeless and cold. It was as if years of bitterness, sourness and misery had rotted her from the inside out.

“You better not embarrass us today.” Her father muttered threateningly. “Or you know what will happen.” 

Tallulah gave the tiniest of nods. She knew all too well what the consequences would be if she put so much as a toe out of line today. Suddenly, the door opened and Tallulah could just make out the blonde head of her brother in the shadowy entranceway. Not bothering to stick around and watch her vile family make nice in front of Tarquin’s fiance, she ducked into the dining room and took her seat. Soon everyone had filed into the dining room and taken their own seats around the large, oak table. 

“I don’t believe you’ve met our youngest, Audrey.” Tallulah’s father said, with a sickeningly superficially friendly tone of voice. “This is Tallulah.” 

Tallulah mumbled a hello and extended her hand for Audrey to shake, which she did a little begrudgingly. 

“Audrey Flint.” She said snippily, looking at Tallulah with a certain amount of disdain. 

Tallulah could hear the pattering sound of little feet which signified the arrival of their lunch. Sure enough, less than a second later the door swung open and three tiny house elves scurried in with plates of food. Once everyone was eating and chatting amongst themselves, they acted as if Tallulah simply weren’t there. Tallulah therefore assumed that her obligation to participate in the conversation was over and allowed herself to once again slip back into the depths of her own mind. 

Ever since she had seen Sirius the month before, it had taken everything in her not to send a letter to Remus. A few times on her daily walks, she had wandered right past the hill his house sat on and even considered, for a few fleeting seconds, walking up the hill and simply knocking on the door. But she could never quite bring herself to do it. She couldn’t ponder on these inclinations for too long though, whenever she thought about Remus she felt a pain in her chest that was so intense and so complete that she felt as if her torso might rip open. For one person to have this much control over her emotions, even though they hadn’t spoken in months, was truly terrifying. 

Of course, if Tallulah had anyone she could speak to, they would have told her that this feeling; this inescapable, urgent, all consuming feeling, was love. Maybe Tallulah knew this herself, but there wasn’t a chance she would ever admit it to herself. Just for now, and perhaps forever, she would keep convincing herself that she was just missing a friendship. 

She was brought rudely back to reality by her mother jabbing her on the arm with her fork. 

“Tallulah.” She said tightly. “Audrey asked you a question.” 

“Oh, sorry.” Tallulah said, looking at Audrey. 

“Always has her head in the clouds, this one.” Her father said with a rather forced chuckle. “Best to ask her again, if she’s daydreaming she’s dead to the world.” 

“How old are you?” Audrey repeated her question. “Tarquin never said.” 

“Eighteen.” Tallulah simply replied, trying to keep her responses as short as possible. Therefore minimising the risk of saying the wrong thing. 

“Oh, so you’ve just graduated.” Audrey said, clearly desperate to include Tallulah in the conversation somehow. “How did you do?” 

“All O’s.” Tallulah said quietly.

A look of surprise flashed across both of her parents’ faces, but they chose not to comment. Tarquin looked unfazed. 

“Ah, very good!” Audrey said insincerely. “So I assume you’ll be finding a good family to marry into soon then? I’m sure your parents don’t want you living here forever.” 

_ We don’t want her here now.  _ Her mother thought sourly.

Tarquin abandoned his poker face at this point and let out a snicker. 

“As if any of the good families would take her.” He said, a cruel edge to his voice that was all too familiar to Tallulah. 

“Who says I  _ want  _ to marry into a pureblood family?” Tallulah asked defiantly, ignoring the furious warning looks being flashed across the table at her by her father. 

“Well, I’m sure we could set you up with the Black son in your year.” Tarquin said, clearly enjoying himself. “You’re well matched.” 

“How so?” Audrey asked, looking wary. 

“They’re both the family disappointments.” Tarquin replied with a sly smile. “Oh, don’t take that too personally Lulah. Every family’s got one.” 

Her mother and father were both shifting uncomfortably in their seats and staring determinedly at their plates. Both of their inner monologues were screaming out for Tallulah not to retaliate in any way. But she didn’t care. 

“Well, the way I see it, if we’ve both disappointed a family of dark wizards and Death Eaters, then we must be doing _ something  _ right.” She said defiantly. 

A heavy silence set over the table. Tallulah’s mother pursed her lips and started tapping the table with her nails, while her father gripped his wand so tightly that she thought he might snap it. 

“If you’ll excuse me.” Tallulah said curtly, standing up and walking out of the room. 

She felt dizzy as she grabbed her jacket and opened the front door. Why had she done that? She would pay for those remarks later. She felt sick at the thought of what awaited her when she returned home. But as she set off across the misty moorland, she couldn’t ignore the voice in her head that told her that Remus would be proud if he could see her right now. 

She wandered around for hours, by the time it got dark it was pouring rain and she was soaked through. It was pitch black, freezing cold and she was hours away from her house. With every passing second, she was less able to remember  _ why  _ she had felt so pleased with herself when she walked out of her house that afternoon. So what if Remus would have been proud? He wasn’t in her life anymore, and hadn’t been for months. He wouldn’t be there to protect her from her father when she got home. Was she really so pathetic that she was still doing things to try and impress someone who had no interest in her anymore? How sad.

Knowing it was pointless to stay out in the rain any longer, seeing as her parents would stay awake until she got home this time regardless of how late it was, she apparated back across the moors. It didn’t make sense to walk, since that would only delay the unpleasantness by a few hours. She stood outside the iron gates for a few minutes, readying herself, then opened them. 

As soon as she stepped through the door she was knocked backwards by a spell. She flew back and hit the door, sliding down onto the floor in a crumpled heap.

“What the  _ HELL  _ was that?!” Her mother screamed. “You just needed to be  _ normal _ for a couple of hours! Was that too much to ask?” 

Tallulah said nothing, still winded. 

“You’re an embarrassment.” Her mother spat. “A disgrace! Why we continue to let you live under our roof is beyond me!” 

“Because you don't want to be known as the witch who put her own daughter out on the streets. What would that do to your image?” Tallulah muttered.

She didn’t hear her father cast the Cruciatus curse on her, but she felt it. The pain was nothing like she had ever experienced, it felt as though every cell in her body was being ripped apart and pushed back together again and again. When he finally stopped, she lay on the floor waiting for more screaming but all she could hear was the ringing in her ears. Which meant her mother had left the room, which meant more pain. 

Her father, her own flesh and blood, cast the unforgivable curse on her again and again until she felt like she may stop breathing. He fired curse after curse, and when he got tired of that he began to kick her ruthlessly. He showed no signs of stopping, and Tallulah knew she had pushed him past his limits this time. 

_ He’s going to kill me.  _ She thought to herself.  _ He’s actually going to kill me. _

Heart wrenchingly, even in what felt like they must be her final moments, she only saw one thing. Remus. She saw his face, puckered and worried as she lay on the floor with her eyes squeezed shut. 

“Come on, Tallulah.” He seemed to encourage her. “Get up.” 

Maybe it was the fact that she felt as though she could hear his soft, warm, comforting voice. Or maybe her father’s attack had started to abate slightly. But for whatever reason, Tallulah was able to pull herself up off the floor and fumble for her wand. 

“ _ Bombarda Maxima!”  _ She shouted, pointing her wand at a heavy glass ornament on the table. 

The ornament shattered, and her father raised his arms to shield his face from the clear debris flying out across the room. Tallulah’s mother came running back in, but Tallulah had already wrenched open the front door and run out into the front garden. Looking wildly around, she cast the strongest locking charm she could think of on the front door. She could see the shadowy figures of her parents behind the frosted glass, trying to open it and come after her. But they barely had time to pull on the door handle once before Tallulah apparated. 

When her vision came back into focus, she peered around in the pitch darkness. It was raining even more heavily now than it had been before, but Tallulah could tell that she was about halfway up a grassy bank. And she could see the outline of a bridge to her left. Suddenly realising where she was, she took a large gulp of the cold air. She could just make out a small house at the top of the hill. Sighing resignedly, she set off up the hill, raising the collar of her jacket to protect her against the biting wind. 

The rain was pouring down on her like an icy shower as she stood, staring resolutely at the battered wooden door in front of her. Every time she raised her hand, it fell almost immediately back down again. What was so terrifying about this piece of wood? Not the door itself of course, but what was behind it. Rejection? Maybe. Heartbreak? Almost certainly. She had almost made up her mind to turn and walk back down the hill when a particularly violent crash of thunder made her jump and squeal slightly. She heard movement from inside the small house and her entire body went rigid. She could sense someone moving around inside. The curtain twitched, and she could have sworn she saw the tall, slightly hunched shadow of someone standing by the window. Though it was hard to tell in the darkness. 

Remus stood, gobsmacked, by his living room window. Surely it wasn’t her. Surely in all his hours of imagining this very thing happening, he hadn’t accidentally  _ manifested  _ it? But he was sure he had seen her out there, in the brief moment of blinding light as a bolt of lighting shot across the stormy night sky. He was almost certain that he had seen her face, soaking wet and paper white against the dark sky. But how could she possibly be here? 

He stood, deliberating, for a few more seconds. Then, as a feeling of steely resolve set over him, he strode over to the front door and opened it. He was almost sure that he was going to be greeted with bitter disappointment and nothing more than the sight of hilly grassland. But when the door swung opening with a loud creaking sound, his heart leapt. 

There she was, just as beautiful as she had been in his mind for all these months. He had started to think that she couldn’t possibly be, that he had exaggerated her gorgeousness in his head. But she stood there, as angelic and perfect as she was in his dreams. She was soaked through, with little droplets of water clinging onto her eyelashes and dripping down her nose. If Remus had been able to feel anything else in that moment other than elation, he would have noticed how worse for wear she looked. How thin, pale and bruised she was. But in that moment, all he saw was her. 

She opened her mouth and closed it again. In all her weeks of imagining this scenario she had never quite gotten around to what she was going to say to him. 

“Remus, I-” 

She was cut short by his lips crashing into hers. This was nothing like their other kisses, it was passionate, desperate, hungry. She didn’t even hesitate, wrapping her arms around his neck as he grabbed her waist and kissed her more deeply still. She could taste him, feel the sweetness of his warm breath on her tongue. She wasn’t even thinking about it anymore, this was so right. All those months of agonising and picking apart her feelings. She wanted him, she needed him. And she had all along. 

“You’re soaking wet.” He muttered between the kisses, pulling her inside and pushing her against the door as it slammed shut. 

“I know.” She said softly. Remus’ stomach tightened at the feeling of her breath on his lips. 

“Do you care?” He asked, resting his forehead on hers and looking into her eyes. 

She paused for a second, staring right back into his. He was breathing deeply, and she suddenly became aware that she was too. She realised in this moment that he wasn’t asking if she cared that she was soaked through. This was a much more important question, and one that he desperately needed the answer to. 

Did she care that he was a werewolf? 

She raised her hand and cupped the right side of his face, stroking his cheekbone tenderly with her thumb. 

“No.” She whispered. “I don’t.” 

Remus’ body relaxed, but soon tensed up again as Tallulah raised her chin once more and pulled her face towards hers. When their lips met again, it was like some kind of electricity. It ran through both of their bodies as he wrapped his hands around her thighs and pulled her up onto his hips. Still locked at the lips, they moved across the small house, with Remus kicking obstacles out of the way as he moved with little regard for what they were. 

She let out a small gasp of surprise as they both fell onto the bed and he pulled away suddenly. 

“Is this okay?” He asked, hovering over her and moving a strand of hair off her face. 

“Of course it is.” She said breathily. 

“Of course?” He repeated. His face was still just inches away from hers. Even in the dim candlelight she could make out every scratch, every mark, every freckle on his agonisingly beautiful face. 

“I-” She didn’t know what to say. She never knew what to say to him, she just knew that she wanted to feel close to him.

She planted the softest of kisses on his lips, then his cheek, then his jaw, then down to his neck. He let out an involuntary shudder as her lips trailed along his collarbones. Moving down so that their faces were level again, he spoke so quietly that she had to strain to hear him over the sound of the rain hammering down onto the window next to them. 

“I love you, Tallulah.” 

“And I love you right back, Remus.” 

As wet and dry clothes fell to the floor, and the pair of them slid between the sheets; Tallulah knew that in that moment there was only her, and him, and them. And just for a moment, for one fleeting second, everything was just as it should be.


	13. The Marauders Recovery Programme

When Tallulah woke up the next morning, she could hear voices coming from the other side of the small bungalow. 

“So she just...turned up?” James said, peering across at the bed from his spot on Remus’ sofa. 

“Yeah, no idea how she knew where to find me.” Remus said. He was curled up in an armchair, picking nervously at the sleeve of his jumper. 

“Ah, that might be on me.” Sirius said, looking sheepish. “I told you we went to that cafe right?”

“Yeah, that’s when you told her about my furry little problem, thanks again for that by the way.” Remus retorted, smiling. 

“In my defense, she can literally read minds.” Sirius shot back. 

“Sounds like excuses to me.” James said out the corner of his mouth, earning himself a punch on the arm. 

“She doesn’t look great.” Peter interrupted, looking worriedly at Tallulah’s pale arms which were covered in dark purple bruising. “Is she okay?” 

“Her parents are friends with mine, so that probably tells you just about everything you need to know about them as people.” Sirius said bitterly. “She looked almost as bad when I saw her last month.” 

“Yeah and what’s that on her arm?” James asked. “It almost looks like-” 

“It is.” Remus said quickly. “But it’s not what you think.” 

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing Moony?” Peter asked nervously. 

“Not really, but I’m doing it anyway.” Remus replied, gazing lovingly over at Tallulah. 

Even in her current state, pale and skinny and covered in cuts and bruises, he couldn’t remember a time when he’d seen anything more beautiful. He had imagined waking up next to her countless times, but his daydreaming paled in comparison to the reality. When he had woken up with her still enveloped in his arms, he was sure he must have been dreaming. But no, there she was, her beautiful, angelic face resting on his chest. He had traced every line on her face with his fingers, desperate to commit it to memory. This sight, this perfect, earth shattering beauty, would live in his mind forever. 

“So…” Sirius mused, smirking. “Did you finally do the deed?” 

Remus flushed bright red and tried to look anywhere except in his friends’ eyes. They all did mock dramatic gasps, Sirius even went so far as pretending to swoon. 

“Oh my innocent little angel, defiled at last!” He exclaimed from the couch, where he had fallen. 

“I have actually had sex before, if you’ll recall.” Remus replied, still blushing furiously. 

“Yeah but that doesn’t count.” James said. “I mean you didn’t love her.” 

“Okay you big girl’s blouse.” Sirius said, shooting James a derisive look.

The bed creaked and all four heads snapped to look across the room where Tallulah was sitting, wide eyed on the bed. She had the covers pulled up to her shoulders so that only her neck and head were visible. 

“Oh, erm, hello Tallulah.” James said awkwardly. 

“Sorry.” Remus apologised. “I forgot they were coming over.”

“Yeah, he got a little distracted doing other...activities I think.” Sirius smirked, earning himself a swift jab in the ribs from Peter. 

Tallulah pulled the covers up even more, painfully aware of the cold air on her bare back. 

“Here.” Remus said, offering her a large t-shirt and a pair of boxers. “I washed your clothes for you but they’re still damp, sorry.” 

“Don’t apologise.” She said quietly.

She planted a small kiss on his forehead as she stood up, wrapping the bedsheets around her as she did. 

“Bathroom’s that way.” He said, blushing slightly as his friends shared suggestive grins.

Moving as quickly as she could across the rather crowded living room, she shut the bathroom door behind her and changed hurriedly into the clothes Remus had given her. Looking in the mirror, she winced. She must have lost even more weight than she had thought since she’d been living with her parents. Her cheeks had hollowed out so much that it almost looked like her cheekbones were going to slice through her skin. She supposed that was on her, she rarely had the foresight to take a packed lunch with her on her daily walks. 

She tried in vain to smooth down her hair, which was looking pretty wild after she had slept on it wet. Mind you, she thought with a smirk, sleeping had hardly been the main activity of the night. 

When she walked back out of the bathroom the four boys stopped talking abruptly. Tallulah couldn’t help finding it a bit amusing that they bothered doing this, since they were surely all fully aware now that she was a Legilimens. 

“How are you feeling?” Remus asked and she sat back down on the edge of the bed. 

“Fine.” Tallulah said, shrugging. 

“You’ve looked better Selwyn, I’m going to be honest.” James’ tone was jovial, but his eyes kept flickering towards her left arm. 

“Prongs.” Remus scolded, shooting daggers. 

“Well I can’t help looking at it!” James protested. “It’s staring at me!” 

“It’s okay.” Tallulah said. 

“No, it’s not.” Remus said firmly. 

“Well, they’re right to wonder.” Tallulah said. “I can hear that it’s worrying them.” 

“Please don’t do that.” Peter said, fidgeting nervously in his seat. 

“Sorry.” Tallulah quickly apologised. 

“Well she doesn’t have it by  _ choice. _ ” Remus interrupted. “Her parents-”

“It’s okay.” Tallulah cut across him. “I’ll tell them.”

The three boys sat, enthralled, as Tallulah recounted the tale of The Dark Mark on her arm. Occasionally asking questions, but for the most part just sitting there, listening to her. She watched their facial expressions change from wariness, to horror, to pity. When she finished her story there was a lengthy silence.

“Oh...god.” Peter finally said, gulping loudly. 

“That’s horrible.” James said. 

“Yeah, I’m so sorry.” Sirius said solemnly. 

Tallulah had been so busy telling her story that she hadn’t taken any notice of what Remus was doing. She suddenly became aware of him muttering somewhere to her right and turned to look. He was casting healing enchantments on the bruises and cuts that littered her skin. Slowly, but surely, the marks were fading. 

“You don’t have to do that.” She whispered, blushing slightly. 

“I know I don’t have to.” He replied, looking puzzled. “I want to.” 

He slipped his hand into her and squeezed tightly. Maybe it was all the trauma of the last twenty-four hours finally catching up with her, but this small act of kindness was enough to tip Tallulah over the edge. Without any regard for the three people who were still only sitting a few feet away, she rested her forehead on Remus’ shoulder and sobbed into his jumper. Without missing a beat, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. 

“It’s okay.” He said gently, stroking her hair with his free hand. 

“Sorry.” She said, sniffling as she whipped her eyes and sat upright again. “Sorry I...I don’t know what happened there.” 

“You’ve been through a lot, it’s understandable.” Peter smiled kindly at her. 

The three of them shared glances, then looked at Remus, whose eyes widened. 

“ _ Don’t  _ do what you’re about to do, you idiots.” He said sternly. 

Without hesitating, the three boys had dashed across the room and dived on the bed each slinging an arm around either Tallulah or Remus. 

“Oh come on, Moony.” Sirius said, laughing. “There’s nothing a group hug can’t solve!” 

Tallulah smiled and exhaled sharply through her nose, nestling back into Remus’ shoulder as the rest of The Marauders huddled around them. 

“It’s alright Tallulah.” James said from his spot on the bed. 

“Yeah, you’re safe now.” Sirius added. 

She smiled and closed her eyes, feeling truly at peace for the first time in months. As she did, Remus whispered in her ear. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” 

And she knew that he did. 


	14. Mr and Mrs Prongs

The weeks that followed Tallulah’s surprise appearance at Remus’ house were some of the happiest that the couple could ever remember. The days were peaceful, cosy and tranquil. While the nights were dark and fiery. Every so often some of their ex-classmates would pop round, but for the most part it was just the two of them. After eighteen years of being forced to listen to the private thoughts of others, being with Remus was bliss to Tallulah. It was the first time in her life that she had ever had total peace and quiet inside her own mind. 

One evening, Remus had told her that some people would be coming over. She was pleased (but unsurprised) to learn that James and Lily were engaged. And that Sirius had arranged a surprise party for them. 

“I still don’t understand why we had to have it here.” Remus complained as he levitated a banner which had the words  _ Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Prongs!  _ emblazoned across it. 

“Well, we could hardly have it at  _ their  _ house could we, Moony?” Sirius said, placing a number of large glass bottles on the small, round dining room table. 

“Well, what about your flat?” Remus replied. 

“Please.” Sirius scoffed. “You know how rowdy a marauders party can get, I’m already on my final warning from my neighbours. Said they would call the muggle police next time.” 

“Hmm.” Remus mused. “It’s just, this place is…” He paused and surveyed his rather small living space. 

“What?” Sirius asked, also looking around. “I like it here.” 

“Me too.” Tallulah said. “I think it’s lovely here.” 

She was busy working on an enchantment that would make the fairy lights dance across the ceiling, but she stopped what she was doing briefly to squeeze Remus’ shoulder and give him a reassuring smile. 

“Yeah, and that’s coming from two people who grew up in mansions.” Sirius stated, as if that put an end to the whole affair. 

“This is  _ definitely  _ much nicer than my childhood home.” Tallulah chuckled humourlessly. This time it was Remus’ turn to give her shoulder a squeeze.

“And mine.” Sirius scoffed. 

Once the decorations were up, and the dining room table had been laden with so many drinks that it looked as if the spindly wooden legs might snap, people started to arrive. 

The first loud *CRACK* outside signalled the arrival of Peter, who looked as if he’d rushed to be there. His face was pink and when he came inside he was wiping sweat off his brow. 

“You okay Pete?” Sirius asked, eyeing him with some concern. 

“Fine.” Peter simply mumbled, before scurrying off to get a drink. 

Tallulah had noticed that in recent weeks, Peter’s thoughts had become much more guarded. She supposed that this was fair enough, now that all The Marauders knew about her abilities, even James and Sirius’ thoughts had become slightly quieter. 

There was another loud *CRACK* outside, followed by four more. 

“Bloody hell, Pads.” Peter said, appearing beside them. He seemed to have calmed down a bit now, and was already on his third glass of firewhiskey. “How many people did you invite?” 

“Listen, I don’t know if you knew this but James and Lily are a pretty popular couple.” 

Remus glared at him, Sirius held his hands up and laughed. 

“I stayed within your guest limit, don’t worry!” He said. “That’ll be Marlene and Alice, I assume they’ve brought Autumn and Frank with them.” 

Tallulah opened her mouth to ask who the fifth person was, but she didn’t even need to. There was a sharp knock at the door, and Tallulah’s ears rang with the slightly tipsy thoughts of Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes. 

“Excuse me.” She said quietly, before slipping into the bathroom and locking the door behind her. 

She leaned over the sink and breathed slowly, in through her nose and out through her mouth. She did this ten times, just as Remus had taught her. She could hear his own voice in her head now, so clearly that she almost started to wonder if he had finally opened his mind to her. 

_ Whenever it gets too much, just remove yourself and take ten deep breaths. There you go Tallulah, in through your nose, out through your mouth. There, doesn’t that feel better?  _

She sighed, looking at her reflection in the slightly dusty bathroom mirror. It did feel slightly better, but not much. Tallulah had done a pretty good job of avoiding Dorcas and her clone army for the last few months of term, but there was no avoiding her now. Besides, she was alone, without Lucinda and Florence to hurl spite at Tallulah on her behalf. Taking one last deep breath and smoothing down her top, she stepped out of the bathroom. 

The house was much more crowded than it had been when she had gone inside the bathroom. She could see Alice Fortescue, hand in hand with Frank Longbottom. Marlene and Autumn were curled up together on the sofa, chugging drinks as if their lives depended on it. Remus, Peter and Sirius were in the kitchen area, chatting animatedly to a red haired couple. 

“Ah, Tallulah!” Sirius said, rather jovially. “You remember Molly Prewett?” 

“Umm, yes.” Tallulah said, smiling shyly. She did remember the girl, vaguely. A Gryffindor who had been in her sixth year when Tallulah had started at Hogwarts. 

“It’s Molly Weasley now.” Her husband said, frowning good-naturedly. 

“Ah, yes. My mistake.” Sirius said, laughing. 

Remus, perhaps sensing that Tallulah was a little out of her depth, grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly. 

“Go and get a drink.” He muttered into her ear, kissing her gently on the forehead. 

She wandered over to the dining table and had just finished pouring herself a drink when someone cleared their throat behind her. She spun around. 

“Hi.” Dorcas said, looking sheepish. 

“Oh, hello.” Tallulah replied, dumbstruck. She had assumed that Dorcas would just pretend she wasn’t there all night. 

“Listen, I just wanted to say…” Dorcas scuffed the floor nervously with her boot. “I’m really sorry.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah, all that schoolgirl cattiness, it’s not me. Honestly, it isn’t. I just, I get a bit bitchy when my feelings are hurt. And Lucinda and Florence, they’re just nasty cows, the pair of them. I just...I went along with them. I was upset, I know that’s not an excuse, and I understand if you can’t forgive me. I was a right horrible bitch. But I just wanted- needed to apologise.” 

The words tumbled out of her mouth as if she couldn’t get them out fast enough. She looked down at the floor and Tallulah felt a pang of sympathy for the girl. 

“It’s okay, Dorcas.” She said gently, smiling at her. 

“Honestly? Even after I was such a cunt?” Dorcas asked. The dirty swear word didn’t sound right coming out of her pretty mouth, it made Tallulah laugh. 

“Yeah, honestly.” Tallulah, put her hand on Dorcas’ shoulder. “Water under the bridge.” 

The two girls shared a smile, before Marlene came prancing over and pulled them both behind the sofa. 

“They’re here.” She hissed as the lights were extinguished and the music stopped. 

The door opened, casting a shaft of moonlight into the darkened house. 

“What in Merlin’s balls is going on here?” Came James’ voice. 

“Is he not in?” Lily asked, peering around the pitch black living room. 

Suddenly, a shower of gold sparks shot up into the air. Then another, and another, and another, until the whole room glowed. Jumping up, they all shouted in unison. 

“CONGRATULATIONS!!!” 

James and Lily looked shocked for a second, before eerily similar grins spread across their faces. 

“You brilliant bastards!” James shouted, as Sirius handed him a drink. “I had no idea!” 

“Happy engagement party Prongsie!” Sirius replied, slinging an arm over his shoulder. 

The party raged on into the night, and Tallulah was happier than she could ever remember being in a room full of people. She floated around between the small groups, drinking, dancing, chatting. She felt better than happy, she felt normal. Every so often, Remus would come and stand beside her, and wrap his arms around her. Bending down slightly to kiss her. 

At some point in the night, when they were all good and pissed, Sirius demanded that they get a group photo. 

“Come on, everyone!” He boomed over the music. “Huddle around the sofa, underneath the banner. Let Mr and Mrs Prongs get to the front!” 

“I’m not Mrs Prongs quite yet, Padfoot.” Lily slurred, giggling. 

“Ohh, but you will be.” James slurred straight back, picking her up in his arms and spinning her around wildly. 

Tallulah stared up at Remus as the camera flashed, and he stared back down at her. His eyes were full of love, of warmth. 

“Love you.” He said, showing her that slightly crooked smile that she adored so much. 

“Love you right back.” She replied. 

It was almost three in the morning by the time everyone left. Tallulah was drunk, everything felt a little bit hazy. She wandered around the house, pointing to various messes with her wand and cleaning them up.

“What are you  _ doing? _ ” Remus whined from the rug in front of the sofa. 

“Tidying up a bit.” She said with a laugh. “Better to do it now when we’re drunk than later when we’re hungover.” 

Remus snorted. 

“Such a Ravenclaw.” 

She walked over to where he was sitting, the fire was crackling merrily and filling the room with a cosy orange glow. She stood over him and smiled, it was the first time she had ever felt tall when he was around. 

“You were amazing tonight.” He said quietly. “My friends love you.” 

“Well I love your friends.” She shrugged. “ _ Scourgify.”  _

She pointed her wand at a puddle of alcohol that was dripping off the coffee table and onto the floor, it promptly disappeared. 

“Tallulah?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Love you.” 

“Love you right back.” 

“Do you really?” His eyebrows knitted together. 

“Of course I do.” She knelt opposite him and played with his fingers, lacing them between her own and twisting her hands around. 

He was looking at her now with an expression that only meant one thing. His eyes had darkened and he bit his lip. Yanking on her hands, he pulled her forward, grabbing her hips and lifting her up so that she was straddling him. 

“Hmm, bit late for that don’t you think?” She teased as he kissed the softest skin on her neck, right behind her earlobe. “Almost three in the morning you know.” 

“Well, by all means.” He mumbled, his voice slightly muffled. “Tell me to stop.” 

She didn’t, and his hands disappeared underneath her shirt. She could feel them running over her skin and kissed him, hard. Rocking her hips ever so slightly back and forth, until she heard his breath hitch in his throat. He kissed her harder still, running his tongue along her bottom lip, across to her jawline and down her neck into the hollow of her collarbone. Electricity tingled between them, spreading out until it reached the tips of her toes and she gasped. 

Remus fucking Lupin. 


End file.
